David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'

Brits still waiting for an anthem like La Marseillaise

EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.