Speaking from an abandoned fairground where he has just been arrested for dressing up as a ghost, Prime Minister (yes, really) Rishi Sunak has spoken out against âpeskyâ civil servants ruining things.
âItâs a conspiracyâ, he said. âLeft to our own devices Conservative ministers would have governed wisely. The small boats crisis would never have happened â we didnât want to prevent asylum-seekers from filing their claims abroad. The civil service made us.
âAs for the NHS â God, I wish they hadnât made us underfund it. And those PPE contracts! I wanted them to go to proper companies but the civil servants assured me that we should go for âmates ratesâ and insisted that each minister should pick an old school chum. Poor Matt didnât have any chums so he had to go with his pub landlordâ.
Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) spoke out about the âevilâ Rwanda policy. âI wanted to put them up somewhere nice, process their claims efficiently and give them all a hug. You should hear the stories â absolutely tragicâ, she told reporters. âBut those civil servants insisted on a policy of scaring them away. Thatâs why the Prime Minister has been dressing up as a ghost and patrolling the beach at Doverâ.
The latest victim is Dominic Raab, a workaholic Mensa member who had offered to personally fly to Afghanistan to save British interpreters, armed only with his karate skills and rapier wit, only to find his plans derailed by civil servants who tied his shoelaces together and then closed the sea, effectively trapping him on a sunlounger in Crete. Raab has now been forced to resign in the latest hostile move, leaving the Justice Department without the benefit of his efficiency, empathy and charm.
It's clear that the Civil Service doesnât deserve our votes at the next General Election. We urge readers to vote for a political party instead. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dominic Raabâs ego, which has shrunk to the size of Belgium. God Bless you, Dom!
