Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.

Bezos overtaken on rich list by roadside Strawberry Seller

Janet McGinty (57) has been catapulted to one of the world’s most wealthy, by selling her third punnet of strawberries in a week. While Jeff Bezos’ Amazon employs hundreds of thousands and turns a profit $10,000 a second, selling fruit out of a van is more effective and can done from sitting in a deckchair.

Many have questioned the validity of a business model which involves someone snoozing in a layby for ten hours. Janet explained: ‘First we pay someone to pick, package and transport the strawberries, so our overheads work out at about £5 a box. I then sell them on at 50p a punnet, making a profit of £27,7344,222 per strawberry’,

Economists refer to this as the ‘Strawberry Paradox’, where a seemingly loss-making venture generates insane levels of profitability – a little bit like James Corden’s career. Likewise, experts in food retail have long known that people are uneasy going to a supermarket, they would much rather buy food from an unlicensed individual in a darkened layby; particularly if the seller has an eyepatch and love/hate tattooed on their knuckles.

Janet spoke of her success: ‘I used to sell lucky heather but that barely covered the cost of my third home in Monaco. But selling fresh strawberries has been a gold mine. Thank goodness, this is something I can do all year round’.