With all the authority of a substitute teacher, Nadhim Zahawi is attempting to reduce cabinet absenteeism, denying their chants that they 'don't need no educayshun or thought control'.
A departmental spokesperson said: ‘Uber wealthy cabinet ministers miss out most, as they have too many foreign holidays and/or steamy affairs. There are numerous cabinet absences due to Covid too. Not when they have Covid or are self-isolating, but because of the sheer volume of dubious government contracts to sort out. All that sweet state moolah, plus struggling by on £80k/year doesn’t organise itself you know.’
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have responded to Zahawi's remarks by getting off his holiday lilo, getting out his trusty catapult and firing paper balls at the back of Zahawi's head. Johnson will also discreetly put a whoopee cushion on Zahawi's chair before carving 'Zahawi is a speccy square' into a desk.