top of page
ree

Trans-dance group, Binary M, have come under criticism this week for pandering to a temporary mass interest in the automobile. The group, with over a century of history and seen as an elite global name in trans-dance group innovation and design, released a markedly different concept in the genre’s advertising type. The advert featured a seemingly unrelated montage of sleek, expensive motor vehicles slickly handling mountain passes at speed.


'Go bloke, go broke,' wrote one puzzled observer. 'Ha. Binary M have just hit the self implode button. What the f*ck do luxury cars have to do with gender non-specific voguing moves? Don’t forget to close the door on your way out, Binary M. C*nts.' There was unpleasantness, too. Hitler’s bunker scene in Downfall was re-edited to paint the now deceased dictator as the harried Binary M marketing manager following release of the ad. 'We’ll play the advert in sports bars during Premier League matches,' says Hitler, his hands shaking, as beautiful secretaries stifle sympathetic tears.


Marcus Q, former wanker from the Face magazine, tried to put the advert into socio-historical context. But what he said was too insubstantial to repeat. Meanwhile, the Binary M social media team has been doubling down, hoping to gain traction in the male 50 to 70 year old 'bandwidth'. Their IG account led from the front with a sequence of cis-white male icons from the past, including John Wayne, Harvey Proctor, Keith Allen, and Orville. The household names were pictured driving various six-figure cars away from their family homes above the legend, 'I’m transitioning to the pub.'


Eventually Marcus Q made some sort of sense. 'You can come back from this. But Binary M will have to offer up a patsy, someone traditional to apologise to the base. A Richard Hammond swigging a Bud and debasing himself with an apology to this generation.' Richard Hammond, currently filming a series of racist jokes, was unavailable for comment.


Image: WixAI


ree

Rolling back in his pledge to phase out our reliance on petrol, Mr. Sunak said he would halt the manufacture of vehicles that ran on tidal power and fairy tears. Electric cars were unfeasible, as they relied too heavily on trance music, the migratory pattern of wild geese, and jam.


A spokeswoman said: 'There's no way electric cars can work, how can you get that many hamsters to spin the wheels? Also, how would you get your light switch to reach that far, hmmm?'


The only reliable fuel is dinosaur juice, anything else is the work of communists and unicycle manufacturers. 'If you ask me we should have got rid of the Shire horse. Oil may be sticky and unpleasant, but only electricity is Satan's jizz.'


ree

Rishi Sunak has been busy putting the 'mentalist' into 'environmentalist', by committing the UK to dramatically increase the number of cars that are painted green. However he has drawn some criticism for pushing the deadline for this back from 2030 to 2035 and not including cars that are aquamarine or turquoise.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Rishi can’t see what difference 5 minutes makes. Besides he wants the car industry to bring back lead based paint. Taking lead out of paint is woke and the EU are to blame. We in the Tory party welcome an increase in the number of people who are mentally impaired because that means more votes for us!'


'And we’re going to bring back CFCs. That ozone layer has had it too good for too long.'

bottom of page