Sunak committed to more green coloured cars by 2035

Rishi Sunak has been busy putting the 'mentalist' into 'environmentalist', by committing the UK to dramatically increase the number of cars that are painted green. However he has drawn some criticism for pushing the deadline for this back from 2030 to 2035 and not including cars that are aquamarine or turquoise.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Rishi can’t see what difference 5 minutes makes. Besides he wants the car industry to bring back lead based paint. Taking lead out of paint is woke and the EU are to blame. We in the Tory party welcome an increase in the number of people who are mentally impaired because that means more votes for us!'

'And we’re going to bring back CFCs. That ozone layer has had it too good for too long.'

Boris spotted with 30-year-old escort

Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes

In a move that's being described as "a watershed in environmental progress", internal combustion car owners will have to drive without brake pedals from today. 'This will "speed up" the move to carbon-neutral transport', quipped Department of Transport spokesman Eric Lambert. 'Pedestrians are advised to stay indoors until the transition is completed'.

Meanwhile, scrapyards throughout the country are on standby for a windfall of twisted metal. Motorway services are being stocked with duty-free booze, so that drivers can steady their nerves before braving the horrific pileups and Mad Max driving conditions.

'Once again, Britain is setting an example to the rest of the world. I suppose you could call our policy the express lane to a cleaner environment', said Mr Lambert. 'Within 12 months, fossil fuel vehicles will be a thing of the past. We expect the last gas-guzzler to drive over a cliff around the end of 2023'.

Reaction from motorists has been mixed. 'It's like having a limb removed - I'm still trying to come to terms with that empty space between the clutch and the accelerator', says Top Gear fan Martin Reeves, as he blasts up the M1 at 100mph in his brakeless Audi. 'But everything should be OK. If there's an emergency, I'll just find a nice shock-absorbent barrier to crash into - preferably a bunch of eco-protesters'.