Builder, Colin, has hopes of quick Tesco transaction dashed

Construction Site Manager Colin Mappin who was in the queue behind OAP Doris Wilkes (75) at Tesco Redditch said: 'My spirits hit the floor as Doris and her tartan wheelie managed to get to the till in front of me. I thought, here we go, by the time she's counted out the odd seventy-seven pence and used at least fifteen money-off vouchers my lunch break's going to be over. So imagine my surprise when she just whipped out her bank card nice as you like and paid within seconds.'

But just when Colin thought he was home and dry disaster struck. 'She knew the lady on the till, a third cousin of her late husband's uncle, and subsequently Doris engaged her in a ten-minute conversation about how "Bert had to have a bag fitted" and "Alice was found dead in her flat after having lain there undiscovered for three days".'

A starving Colin later confirmed: 'In the end I had to put my stuff back on the shelves as I had a meeting scheduled at two.'

Photo by Victoriano Izquierdo on Unsplash

Banks forcing 'Cashless Society' on UK, while Govt forcing 'Moneyless Society'

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£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes.

'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a saving.'

Jacob Rees-Mogg, fresh from his triumph of Britain being able to buy non-existent vacuum cleaners, echoed Professor Jenkins.

'I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter; I have.'