Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"

Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.

Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."

Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Photos

EU Apple device users outraged at plans to give same charger as everyone else

Apple users in the EU were today outraged by plans to force them to use the same USB-C charging cables as the ordinary Windows or Android user. "We are used to a cooler, more ergonomic, slicker form of electricity" said Ambroos, 26, from Amsterdam. "And what if Android users want to borrow my charger? What can I say?" She asked.

Apple are said to be developing designs to comply with the regulations, but the Apple chargers and sockets will be retained in new models alongside the new ones. A spokesman said: "There will be a USB-C port in the centre of the back of the case, covered by a flap. The flap will open only when you push a button on an app which will be free to download to a linked Apple phone. This action will also purchase for you a new Apple charger, unless you disable this feature in settings."

Image: Unsplash/Andreas Haslinger