MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

The House of Commons has rebuked China for offering them pretend sex and money instead of legitimate sex and money. Said one Minister. 'If I'm going to be embroiled in a scandal, I don't want it be a fake sex trafficked teenager, I want the real thing.'

MI5 warned that politicians could be coerced into giving away the nation's secrets, instead of selling them off to the first lobbyist they see. 'China has muddied the waters, by corrupting our already corrupt MPs, meaning our politicians might actually get into trouble.'

A Minister said. 'These bribes are outrageous. And so small!'

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.

"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.

"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.

"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.

"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.

"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"

"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.

"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."

image from gemini google

New Bond movie to feature abandoned Chinese spy case

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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'

'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'

The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.

'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.

'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'

'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'

The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.