Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.

42-year-old Dan Chubb explained: 'My GP told me I was clinically obese. I thought that was a bit rude, seeing as I'd only popped in to pick up my mum's prescription for haemorrhoid cream. Still, I took it seriously and signed up at the local gym. The instructor said I needed a fitness watch, so I bought an Apple Watch. It cost over £800, but he told me if you want to take your health seriously, you've got to have all the best kit. It actually comes in really useful for timing how long it takes my Deliveroo order to arrive – when I remember to charge it, that is.'

Brushing biscuit crumbs from his man-boobs, Dan continued, 'Someone at the pub said cycling helped him lose loads of weight, so I bought a top-of-the-range racing bike, plus a helmet and full lycra gear. I can't actually squeeze into the lycra because they don't make it in my size, but once I've lost a few stones I'll be able to humiliate myself on public roads like everyone else.'

Dan has also invested in elite running shoes, ‘the exact same ones Usain Bolt wears', although he admits they're mainly used for walking between the sofa and the fridge. 'They're a bit tight,' he said, 'but hopefully they'll loosen up once I start running. Which I will. Soon.'

His diet plan is similarly high-tech. 'My brother-in-law uses protein powder for bodybuilding, so I bought loads of that. It's disgusting on its own, but not bad sprinkled on chips. I actually think it's made me put on more weight, but apparently muscle weighs more than fat - so technically I might just be ripped underneath.'

Asked how much exercise he'd actually done, Dan looked puzzled. 'Exercise? I haven't had time for that. I've been too busy working overtime at the call centre to pay off the treadmill I use as a clothes hanger. But once I get a rowing machine, I reckon the weight will just fall off.'

Image: Brian Wangenheim (@brianwangenheim) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Chaos! Cancelled flights leave passengers stuck in airports with British holidaymakers

Flights have been cancelled across Southern Europe as aviation staff undertake industrial action. That has meant continental Europeans being forced to share seating areas, toilets, and feelings of impatience with angry and sometimes sober British holidaymakers.

'Usually we only see them as we pass the terminal Wetherspoons,' said one Parisian en route to Prague to view a church ceiling. 'But this time we had to share contiguous spaces in real time.'

'Our children were crying,' reported a Latvian taking his family on a wild seed hunt in far-flung fjords. 'We have watched documentaries about British holidaymakers, but never thought we’d be forced to breathe the same bathroom air.'

It is understood that airlines usually allocate their oldest flying stock to ferry the animal-like Brits from Luton to Alicante, but the strikes have led to last-minute changes in logistical operations and the possibility of people from Huddersfield occupying planes unlikely to crash.

'If I’d known we would have been surrounded by people from the United Kingdom, I’d have taken out extra insurance,' said a cultured eye-glass polisher from Strasbourg worried that the strikes would render him late for a penny-farthing and Greek lantern exhibition in the Bay of Haribonesia.

Without tannoy instructions to board planes, Brits were seen shedding clothes and helplessly urinating where they stood. Meanwhile, males among the island tribe broke out into time-killing fights while others frustrated at the lengthy waits, and were seen demanding their human rights, free chips, and wireless lager.

Picture credit: Wix AI