Burnham tops polls after emergency messaging

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.

Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.

Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.

The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.

Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.

Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..

A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'

Image credit: Wix AI

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Labour says it's Comms leader has resigned six week ago

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Hezbollah communications reduced to a gossip over the neighbour's fence

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Having been seriously embarrassed, not to mention depleted in manpower, by their choices of communication devices, Hezbollah have had to seek out alternative methods of passing information between its members that does not involve technology of any sort.

A senior official disclosed they did explore the use of smoke signals. 'Cultural appropriation? Certainly, but these are desperate times.' However, the idea was shelved following the misinterpretation of smoke plumes from further random explosions as ranting and verbal abuse.

Semaphore was briefly considered but quickly rejected as participants were often flagging too soon.

Finally, the militant organisation found inspiration to solve the problem from an unlikely source. The official told us that classic British TV inspired the idea. 'We love your Les Dawson Show. Cissie and Ada. And suddenly we have a solution. A seemingly innocuous, but comical, chat over the garden fence and information is passed up and down the line of command. What’s your response to that, Mossad?'

Asked about Hezbollah’s new communications network, an Israeli spokesperson, arms folded and speaking in hushed tones, said, 'Well, I heard from her at number 37, you know, the one whose husband had the shish kebabs, that they were opening up a new front. I mean, she’s got some room to talk.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)