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Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them to undeniable visual evidence.


The Government's plan backfired spectacularly after Gary returned to Earth adamant that the Earth was flat, and therefore his eyes must be in on the hoax. Mr Newbold said ‘I was taught to never trust your eyes. I mean - where do they go at night, have you ever thought about that?’


Gary rubbished claims that he is a conspiracy theorist, asserting, ‘I just learned to always question things from Joe Rogan, I mean why would you just believe the experts, what do they know?’


After noticing his eyes were globe shaped just like in the fake round Earth theory, Gary removed both of his eyes with a spork, declaring that the evidence irrefutably showed his eyes were inside agents.


He claims he can now see better than ever, thanks to Joe Rogan awakening his 3rd eye. Despite his 3rd eye Gary remains house bound after dismissing his guide dog, upon learning it had been trained.



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The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.


“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.


“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”


The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.


Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”


image from pixabay


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A tinfoil hatter, known only by his avatar 'Mani', has confirmed that a thing is "a bit odd."


"Not heard a word on this", he said vaguely gesturing in an imprecise direction. "Weird it's not 'out there.'"


Asked what he was talking about, he said "Exactly! I smell a rat!"


"I thought it was fine," said normal person, Norman Normington, "But now that some internet crank has cast unsupported aspersions about it, I now see it's suspicious, whatever it is."


"Merely a heads-up...but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me again, Oh no! They're here! Beeeeeeeeeeep," wrote Mani on twitter.


His mum has checked his room and he's fine.



Hat-tip ashbery (or is it?)



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