Trump to release Epstein files after Game of Thrones

The President has been accused of delaying incriminating evidence by tying it to George.R.R.Martin's work rate. A spokeswoman clarified. 'Nonsense, the President has every confidence George will release the final books. He wants to put all the dodgy sex behind him, although George wrote it like that.'

Much like the books, Trump is hoping the files have an anticlimactic ending - preferably without him climaxing. HBO are said to be interested in the files but are concerned that it will be too rude even for them.

Conspiracy theorists think George will be killed before he finishes, although fans have said that he's more likely to die of old age first. 'The President hoping neither the files or books have a happy ending. And, yes, he knows that has a double meaning.'

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them to undeniable visual evidence.

The Government's plan backfired spectacularly after Gary returned to Earth adamant that the Earth was flat, and therefore his eyes must be in on the hoax. Mr Newbold said ‘I was taught to never trust your eyes. I mean - where do they go at night, have you ever thought about that?’

Gary rubbished claims that he is a conspiracy theorist, asserting, ‘I just learned to always question things from Joe Rogan, I mean why would you just believe the experts, what do they know?’

After noticing his eyes were globe shaped just like in the fake round Earth theory, Gary removed both of his eyes with a spork, declaring that the evidence irrefutably showed his eyes were inside agents.

He claims he can now see better than ever, thanks to Joe Rogan awakening his 3rd eye. Despite his 3rd eye Gary remains house bound after dismissing his guide dog, upon learning it had been trained.

Image:https://pixabay.com/users/qimono-1962238/

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Fears of conspiracy theories following Maxwell’s suicide

The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.

“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.

“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”

The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.

Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”

image from pixabay

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