"Something's going on" confirms conspiracy theorist

A tinfoil hatter, known only by his avatar 'Mani', has confirmed that a thing is "a bit odd."

"Not heard a word on this", he said vaguely gesturing in an imprecise direction. "Weird it's not 'out there.'"

Asked what he was talking about, he said "Exactly! I smell a rat!"

"I thought it was fine," said normal person, Norman Normington, "But now that some internet crank has cast unsupported aspersions about it, I now see it's suspicious, whatever it is."

"Merely a heads-up...but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me again, Oh no! They're here! Beeeeeeeeeeep," wrote Mani on twitter.

His mum has checked his room and he's fine.

Hat-tip ashbery (or is it?)

Image: viarami - Pixabay

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Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List

A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'

He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'

While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community

Trump to release evidence of Flat Earth

The President has said he will also release clear evidence that the CIA killed JFK, MLK and the BBC. Opening these secret files will answer many mysteries, for instance did giants build the pyramids, was Jesus gay and who keeps commissioning Mrs Brown's Boys?

The JFK files alone have managed to place Lee Harvey Oswald in the book depository, next to his fellow conspirator Lord Lucan. Said an aide: 'We all know aliens abducted Madeleine McCann and that the Illuminati wrote all of Shakespeare's plays. But these files have also proven that the Moon Landings were fake, as no such Moon exists!'

In separate news Trump is under pressure to release the final books of Game of Thrones, which are under a 60 year embargo.

Image: ottielie - Pixabay