Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.
'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.
The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.
'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.
Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.