COVID inquiry disrupted by 'stop cruelty to w@nkers' protest

Animal rights campaigners made the COVID inquiry halt proceedings today, as they forced their way into the room shouting that the assembled lawyers and journalists were "taking advantage of dumb beasts for entertainment".

"Watching these entitled Whitehall arseholes stab each other in the back all day is a degrading spectacle" said protestor Ben Jones, who led the demonstration. "We want it banned and replaced with something more humane and edifying, like cock fighting for example. Although maybe that's too similar."

However, Samantha Groenwald, Head of Exploitation Programming at the BBC, was adamant that "the blamefest must go on. The public has a right to know what kind of bastards were running the country. Just in case they hadn't already worked it out. And anyway, we love the COVID enquiry. It costs us next to nothing and the viewers are lapping it up. We were bidding for Pro-Celebrity Bully XL Wrestling from Alabama, but that would've cost up to 5 minutes of Gary Lineker, I ask you. Roll on the HS2 enquiry."

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Complexity of flowchart organigram of government Covid preparedness

Boris claiming credit for the vaccine rollout a bit like Debbie McGee taking credit for Harry Potter

Having failed to accomplish anything worthwhile during his three years on stage, Still Prime Minister The Great Bozondo has resorted to making wild claims about things he definitely didn't do. Say yes, Paul Dacre.

The most amazing feat of daring attempted before our very eyes is a claim so wild it is livid. You're going to like this... not a lot. The claim is that he 'got the big things right'. Following a national strategy of herd immunity and several panicked lockdowns so late Than-Neverland popped into existence with a puff of glitter, the only BIG thing he was responsible for during the pandemic was the number of people who vanished and weren't brought back.

The Great Bozondo was too incompetent to understand or be allowed anywhere near the climax of the actual vaccine rollout. Although, in fairness, he nearly pulled off the tricky routine of wiping down a chair. Dedicated and diligent non-governmental wizards without fists of ham astonished us all with the vaccine miracle. What did Boris and his 'big things right' government sleight of handers do? They strained most of their sinews self-opportunistically and fast-tracked their tragic circle of chums to multi-million-pound Personal Protection Equipment contracts, which failed to appear.

Now that's magic money trees.

And if the other big thing he got right was such a great success, why is there a need to get Brexit re-done? Maybe he should take another run at Heathrow runway 2¾?

image from pixabay