Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE

The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'

image from pixabay

Fears grow for covid after it is infected by Laurence Fox

Fears are growing for the wellbeing of the Covid-19 virus after it confirmed it has been infected by attention-seeking former actor Laurence Fox.

Covid has not been vaccinated against irritatingly smug self-promoters and is currently attempting to treat itself with unproven remedies, leading to real concerns about its future welfare.

"The best way to avoid being infected by a massively annoying bellend desperate for attention is to steer clear of things like social media and Question Time. Unfortunately, as covid spread through more and more of the population, the chances of it being exposed to Mr Fox increased." said Stephen Thompson, Professor of Virology at Oxford University.

"At this stage it is too early to say how the virus will cope with being infected by Laurence. We are hopeful though that it has developed a level of natural immunity from other morons it has already encountered, such as flat earthers and other anti-vaxxers."

One major fear is that covid's exposure to the former Lewis star could cause it to mutate to another new variant. One that will spout ridiculous bullshit on any platform in an increasingly pathetic attempt to remain relevant.

Image: ELG21 | Pixabay

Condoms no longer mandatory

Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.

Image: Pixabay/caniseus