'Selfless generosity' as vaccine leftovers to go to poor instead of the bin

In an act of selfless generosity the world's richest countries have decided to donate their unwanted, leftover vaccines to poor countries instead of just binning them.

This selfless act will of course come after all men, women, children, dogs, cats and hamsters have received at least three doses of the vaccine at which point the world's poorest can have a go at protecting their elderly and vulnerable.

Kindness and sacrifice on this scale will surely bode well for any future discussions with poorer nations around climate change targets, explains Boris Johnson: 'What more proof is needed that we are all in it together?'

Poorer nations are yet to comment as they are a little busy trying to stop people dying, stop the virus spreading and prop up their inadequate healthcare systems.

Could £1.795m life-saving drug have used cheaper packaging?

Questions are being asked why Novartis Gene Therapies is charging the NHS so much to save a child’s life; was it the redundant child proof cap, was it offering it in banana flavour or was it the choice to make the bottle out of Tiffany diamonds? Big pharma admitted they could have lowered the price but that would have meant limiting their shareholders to one just Learjet each.

Crystal Meth dealers have questioned the company’s ethical code. Accusations of price gouging were dismissed by the CEO ,who sent a message from his private island: ‘There are a lot of costs in developing a new drug. Not least of which was the $3.2 billion spent on marketing, to decide what font we should use. Our drug, Zolgensma, can extend life and not just for venture capitalists – the kids benefit as well. We’re definitely not skimming off the top, we’re also skimming off the bottom and middle.’

In the case of Covid development, Governments paid for the research, distribution and underwrote risk, but big pharma did take on the cost of naming their drugs ridiculous names. Novartis said they were hoping to expand out into Covid prevention, with an affordable vaccine selling at $1 for the first dose and $4,577,838 for the second.

UK holiday resorts 'infested' with middle class tw*ts

Much to the horror of regular holiday makers, the middle class have been descending upon UK beaches and holiday resorts desperate to pretend it is 'just like' their usual foreign holiday.

Like many nauseating middle class families, Ingrid and Thomas usually take a half term break to the Algarve with their three children, Atticus, Ruben and Cassius - but this year have been forced to slum it at a UK holiday resort.

'We had heard horrible things about staying in the UK and if anything it is even worse than we imagined' explains a tearful Ingrid 'poor Atticus visibly retched when he had to use the public lavatories by the seafront and Cassius cried into his Mr Whippy when he realised it wasn't organic. It's been a real shock for all of us to see how poor people holiday. But the boys have been so brave - quality family time is what matters to them really'.

Ruben, the eldest of the three children, says: 'It's total sh*t. The people here make me feel physically sick. I cannot wait to go home'.

Thomas, an investment banker, sees this holiday as 'giving back' to the community: 'I loved seeing the faces of the working class as we rocked up in our BMW iX3 with premier edition trim and aerodynamic alloy wheels, what a treat for them. They're so grateful we are investing in their local economy, splashing our cash at the ice cream van and the local coffee shop. Of course the coffee and ice cream taste like total sh*t, but that isn't the point. It's about supporting these local business. I'm basically like Gandhi around here'.

The Smith family, who have been holidaying in the UK since 2008, aren't quite so positive about the newcomers: 'What an awful bunch of middle class tw*ts. The place is bloody infested with these jumped up arseholes. We can't wait until restrictions are lifted and they can all bugger off abroad again. All they do is clog up the bloody coffee shop and ice cream van - no they don't do sodding frapiato-mocha-chino or homemade organic ice cream. Now piss off'.