Peep's Diary, 17 June.

And so to the Bethlehem Hospital to view the Lunaticks lately arrived.

In the first room, one Matt Hancock who does think himself an Minister of State. He believes he has control of some Witchery which can keep the Pestilence at bay. He repeatedly shrieks "Data not Dates" which no person can make sense of. It is obvious the fellow has lost his wits.

In the next room, one Dominic Cummings. He does lie in his own filth and will try to throw his excreta upon any who attempt to come near. He has many scraps of manuscript and has daubed much nonsense on the walls in shit. His Keepers tell that he blames his current downfall to Witch called Symonds. He utters profanities that would make a Covent Garden Whore to blush.

In the last, a vile creature named Cressida Dick. They do say that it is a woman that claims to be a Constable of the Peace. However, it is known that she is the heir to a corrupt clan that did feign protection of the populace of London, yet did lie and dissemble for their own benefit. She does claim that she is of the utmost purity whilst all around can smell the stench that does issue from her mouth.

I fear there is no cure for these Wretches.

Then home by boat, where I came upon my wyfe using her Godeminche in her Contrapunctum to my Delite. Did then feast upon a jug of Oysters.

‘They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Dress Circle tickets to see Phantom'

With the threatened delay of the UK’s ‘Freedom Day’ from Lockdown, many citizens have taken to the streets to demand cheap package holidays, karaoke and universal suffrage – only kidding with that last one, they just want half-price cocktails. Said one agitator: ‘Nobody wants basic human rights, but we do want West End theatre tickets?’

Strangely, as a nation, we now equate freedom with the chance to see ‘Cats’ on stage, ideally discounted, with a restricted view. While Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom took 27 years, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s took 30 seconds, from the stroll from his Rolls Royce to the stage door.

As Julian Assange sits in his prison cell, he must consider himself lucky, compared to those oppressed citizens who now have to wear a face mask in Aldi. In the last decade we have happily surrendered civil liberties and freedom of expression, but as the NRA says: ‘I'll only use sanitizer when you put it on my cold, dead hands’.

Said one concerned citizen: ‘It’s delay after delay, we also had a Freedom Day for leaving the EU but that was delayed by several decades. I don’t mind waiting a few years to hug my family, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on front row seats to see ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.’

Omega variant will make everyone incredibly sexy and give some people superpowers

Professor Chris Whitty has a slide he hasn't shown yet. It will be the last slide he ever shows. Shocking and surprising the press and everyone watching on TV at home, up will pop a nude photo of Linda Lusardi from 1983. Chris will panic and fumble and say, "My word... I don't know how that got in there."

But then he will turn and glare straight down the lens with a wry smile and the look of a man who really knows what's going on.

With the words, "No, stay on the same slide, please," a flashy animation will fade out Linda to reveal charts and graphs like we've never seen before. The data will show that the 'Omega' variant has mutated into a virus which spreads extraordinary symptoms.

Chris will explain that the Omega variant is the most transmissible one yet, but that it will turn anyone who contracts the virus in to the sexiest form their bodies have ever taken. Everyone will be "Well fit," and, "Ripped like a Bondi lifeguard." Everything will be toned and pert and eventually the entire population will be young-looking and achingly desirable.

But that's not all...

Some will develop superpowers like being able to get the lids off jars without straining every sinew. Many will be able to piddle straight standing up and hit the target every time. Some will be able to remember their passport numbers off by heart.

Best of all, though, everyone will develop X-ray vision and be able to see through anything. Especially fake news and reports from suspect media outlets.