Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.

'Selfless generosity' as vaccine leftovers to go to poor instead of the bin

In an act of selfless generosity the world's richest countries have decided to donate their unwanted, leftover vaccines to poor countries instead of just binning them.

This selfless act will of course come after all men, women, children, dogs, cats and hamsters have received at least three doses of the vaccine at which point the world's poorest can have a go at protecting their elderly and vulnerable.

Kindness and sacrifice on this scale will surely bode well for any future discussions with poorer nations around climate change targets, explains Boris Johnson: 'What more proof is needed that we are all in it together?'

Poorer nations are yet to comment as they are a little busy trying to stop people dying, stop the virus spreading and prop up their inadequate healthcare systems.

Could £1.795m life-saving drug have used cheaper packaging?

Questions are being asked why Novartis Gene Therapies is charging the NHS so much to save a child’s life; was it the redundant child proof cap, was it offering it in banana flavour or was it the choice to make the bottle out of Tiffany diamonds? Big pharma admitted they could have lowered the price but that would have meant limiting their shareholders to one just Learjet each.

Crystal Meth dealers have questioned the company’s ethical code. Accusations of price gouging were dismissed by the CEO ,who sent a message from his private island: ‘There are a lot of costs in developing a new drug. Not least of which was the $3.2 billion spent on marketing, to decide what font we should use. Our drug, Zolgensma, can extend life and not just for venture capitalists – the kids benefit as well. We’re definitely not skimming off the top, we’re also skimming off the bottom and middle.’

In the case of Covid development, Governments paid for the research, distribution and underwrote risk, but big pharma did take on the cost of naming their drugs ridiculous names. Novartis said they were hoping to expand out into Covid prevention, with an affordable vaccine selling at $1 for the first dose and $4,577,838 for the second.