Boris Johnson Planned To Be Injected With Captain Tom

Amongst the unbelievable stories coming out of the COVID enquiry, a new frontrunner has emerged.

A civil servant has revealed that Boris Johnson planned to miniaturise Captain Tom Moore and have the veteran injected into his arm live on television, with the aim he would complete 100 laps of the Prime Minister's bloodstream to raise money for the NHS.

'You have to remember,' the government official said in their testimony, 'this was the middle of lockdown. The camaraderie was beginning to evaporate, everyone was sick of banana bread, and clapping for the NHS wasn't capturing the nation like it had been. So the PM thought that 'Captain Tom's Fantastic Voyage' as he kept calling it would be a great way to bring the country together again.'

To stunned faces in the enquiry panel, they continued, 'There were plans for Davina McCall to host a special, which had to be shelved when Boris tried it on with her. Professor Chris Witty said it should be possible, providing Captain Tom didn't get caught in one of the cholesterol plaques on the PM's arteries. Captain Tom's daughter was all for it, telling her dad it would 'be good for his brand' to travel round someone's circulatory system. However, she lost interest when we told her we couldn't bring them to London First Class, or put them up at Chequers.'

When asked by the panel why anyone in Downing Street even gave the idea one second of thought, the civil servant replied, 'To be honest, I think it came up during Wine Friday. You can't trust most things from lockdown, the majority of us spent it thoroughly pissed.'

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Rumours of Larry’s death, most likely a dead cat strategy

Professor Clever-Cloggs from the Institute for Political Sanity has urged the public not to be alarmed by rumours that Larry, the Downing Street cat has died, at least until evidence of his death has been provided and a state funeral has been arranged.

He told Newsbiscuit that whilst the revelations about Boris Johnson's behaviour during the pandemic have possibly sealed his fate of being unelectable ever again, this isn't the case with other Tory politicians who are currently queuing up to appear on GB News to be interviewed about the wonderful relationship they had with the celebrity cat.

'The 'Dead Cat Strategy' has long been known to be an effective tactic to distract attention away from things that politicians don't want voters to know about; or perhaps concentrate their attention on. For example, the terrible opinion poll ratings the Tory party has been getting of late, which the Covid enquiry has been making even worse, isn't something that will do the Tories any favours at the next election. But as we saw from when the Queen died, the distraction of her death allowed the media to report nothing else for a fortnight, even that the party had made the most insane woman in the country Prime Minister.' he said.

'Now try to imagine the scenario where a grieving nation learns that Larry hadn't actually died, but had been catnapped by Russian agents and Evgeny Lebedev gave Rishi Sunak directions to their probable lair where Sunak was able to rescue Larry... Suddenly Sunak would become a national hero and people might forget they'd been calling him Dr Death.'

Professor Clever-Cloggs' insights may sound a little bizarre, but as he explained over a pint of Olde and Filthye, they are no less bizarre than the Tory party's rise to government again after the nation thought it had seen the back of the Tories forever in 1906 and again in 1997.

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Measures were put in place to manage the Covid crisis