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Boris Johnson Planned To Be Injected With Captain Tom

Amongst the unbelievable stories coming out of the COVID enquiry, a new frontrunner has emerged.

A civil servant has revealed that Boris Johnson planned to miniaturise Captain Tom Moore and have the veteran injected into his arm live on television, with the aim he would complete 100 laps of the Prime Minister's bloodstream to raise money for the NHS.

'You have to remember,' the government official said in their testimony, 'this was the middle of lockdown. The camaraderie was beginning to evaporate, everyone was sick of banana bread, and clapping for the NHS wasn't capturing the nation like it had been. So the PM thought that 'Captain Tom's Fantastic Voyage' as he kept calling it would be a great way to bring the country together again.'

To stunned faces in the enquiry panel, they continued, 'There were plans for Davina McCall to host a special, which had to be shelved when Boris tried it on with her. Professor Chris Witty said it should be possible, providing Captain Tom didn't get caught in one of the cholesterol plaques on the PM's arteries. Captain Tom's daughter was all for it, telling her dad it would 'be good for his brand' to travel round someone's circulatory system. However, she lost interest when we told her we couldn't bring them to London First Class, or put them up at Chequers.'

When asked by the panel why anyone in Downing Street even gave the idea one second of thought, the civil servant replied, 'To be honest, I think it came up during Wine Friday. You can't trust most things from lockdown, the majority of us spent it thoroughly pissed.'

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