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‘Let’s get back to headlines about dead people and fraud’ Johnson urges Cabinet



Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwindling support within the Tory party.


Sources close to government say Mr Johnson has become increasingly concerned about his plummeting popularity in recent weeks and is seeking ways to change the negative narrative surrounding his failure to obey his own lockdown rules. ‘The PM would like to see a return to those heady days when all the small talk was about spiralling death rates across the UK, fraudulent PPE claims and a crippled NHS facing collapse…..he would die for upbeat headlines like that right now rather than these constant personal attacks about his behaviour during lockdown and his suitability for high office.


The headlines about people dying of Covid related illness were everywhere at one time and did take up a bit of his time….but he actually takes these headlines about his popularity seriously and wants them sorted. We think ending Covid restrictions earlier than expected will have the desired effect. It stands to reason that if your nan is fighting for her life after being admitted to hospital following a new wave of Covid you are more likely to be concerned about that than how much wine Boris chugged at on of his work events or whether he and Carrie prefer dancing to Abba or the Bee Gees.


'Ending restrictions early and seeing news footage of people on respirators dying in hospitals will help Boris bury those negative headlines once and for all’.




First published 11 Feb 2022


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WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


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Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’


Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.


“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.


“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”


Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.


One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.


“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”




First published 26 Jan 2022


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