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New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy



In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".


Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".


Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".




First published 16 Jan 2023


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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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Starmer close to completing Covid loyalty card


One man passion vacuum Keir Starmer has caught Covid for a second time. His 4 additional spells of enforced self-isolation had already made him the unluckiest Labour leader since Gordon Brown called a bigoted woman 'a bigoted woman' but got caught.


Starmer - the only person ever to be Tracked and Traced - is close to getting the coveted final stamp on his Covid loyalty card and ascending to platinum membership.


Labour activist Bob Bridlington denied that Angela Rayner was seen making a set of Starmer voodoo dolls and posting them straight to Wuhan. He noted 'Keir's commitment is such that he is single handedly skewing the government's Covid stats. And it's not as though self-isolating massively interferes with his social life. Plus he'll get a free coffee if it happens again.'




First published 6 Jan 2022


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