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Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



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The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.


'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'


'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'



First published 18 Jan 2022



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