top of page
ree

RFK Jr briefly stopped snorting massive lines of Colombia's finest to issue the following statement:


'Big Pharma has been slacking off! Big Pharma hasn’t found a way to cure of chronic left wing tendencies, which are clearly aberrant and anti-American and a threat to the natural order of things. And I’m worried that other countries, like Russia and Iran and North Korea may have already cracked this problem, and stolen a lead on the U S of A.


Why hasn’t Big Pharma been on the case? Because it’s been fooling around trying to solve problems we don’t have, like the common cold, or dementia, or arrogance, or bad driving, or obesity, or climate change, or whatever.


So I have cancelled funding for leading edge vaccines to help big pharma to focus on more pressing problems. I want Big Pharma to find a cure for left-wing tendencies and the related conditions called unexplained democratic voting syndrome (UDVS) and Trump-Scepticism. Those companies need to get their best people on that straight away. And they need to give them the best laboratories, the best offices, and the best secretaries, too. With absolutely no expectation of campaign donations in return. No, Sir!


As soon as Big Pharma has a good lead on how to cure left-wing tendencies, then this government will be piling in with billions of dollars for clinical trials, factories, marketing campaigns, and animal testing, and whatever. Yes, Siree!


And maybe then we can talk again about vaccines for Covid and measles and Ebola and stuff.'


A well-known supermarket, that we are not naming (but it begins with the letter A) is rolling back its discount for public sector workers in the police, fire and health services.


A spokesman for the well-known supermarket (whose name also ends with the letter A) said, ‘We introduced the discount to recognise the amazing contribution of nurses, doctors and other health workers to the whole Covid thing.   We wanted to give something back, and we reckon we’ve done that.   So we are ending the discount to invest in low prices for everyone.  Not all heroes buy grapes.


‘We are withdrawing the scheme because it has run its course. The government has raised public sector wages, so nurses and police officers and firefighters can afford to pay full whack for their fruit and veg now. And it's been ages since Covid was a thing.  So.  That’s it, really.’


Industry insiders have pointed out that the well-known supermarket (which is run by a private equity firm that knows very little about retailing) may have other issues.


One insider said, ‘The well-known supermarket (which has its logo written in green) has raised concerns that the police don’t do enough on shoplifting. And one of its stores burned down last year, with firefighters arriving so late that they just brought marshmallows. And there is a story about a uniformed nurse who refused to look at a cut finger in one store because she’d just worked a 48-hour shift, or some other feeble excuse.


‘So there is a possibility that the well-known supermarket was just looking for an excuse to hike profits, jack up executive bonuses and screw the shoppers. So, business as usual, really.’





ree

Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree


bottom of page