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VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

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The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’.


Public bodies are legally required to put large contracts out to competitive tender. During the Covid crisis the Johnson government took the unprecedented step of ignoring the law and buying PPE from VIPs instead, presumably in a bid to make plastic overalls a bit more glamorous.


The problem was that Ministers didn’t know any actual VIPs. Instead of Hollywood A listers, Premiership footballers or James Bond, the PPE was bought from people like Matt Hancock’s pub landlord. If he had coincidentally turned out to be Al Murray this might have worked - but he isn’t.


We asked a civil servant: what went wrong? ‘Well’, he said, ‘we don’t get much excitement, so pretty much anybody off the telly would have turned our heads, but literally every so-called VIP was a nonentity. The only Very Important attribute any of them brought was that they were friends with a Minister. Funny, that’.


Michelle Mone is set to appeal the court’s judgment, entering some raunchy photos of her on a yacht in lacey underwear as evidence of her ‘attributes’.


The case continues . . .



RFK Jr: 'Why I cancelled funds for vaccine research'

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RFK Jr briefly stopped snorting massive lines of Colombia's finest to issue the following statement:


'Big Pharma has been slacking off! Big Pharma hasn’t found a way to cure of chronic left wing tendencies, which are clearly aberrant and anti-American and a threat to the natural order of things. And I’m worried that other countries, like Russia and Iran and North Korea may have already cracked this problem, and stolen a lead on the U S of A.


Why hasn’t Big Pharma been on the case? Because it’s been fooling around trying to solve problems we don’t have, like the common cold, or dementia, or arrogance, or bad driving, or obesity, or climate change, or whatever.


So I have cancelled funding for leading edge vaccines to help big pharma to focus on more pressing problems. I want Big Pharma to find a cure for left-wing tendencies and the related conditions called unexplained democratic voting syndrome (UDVS) and Trump-Scepticism. Those companies need to get their best people on that straight away. And they need to give them the best laboratories, the best offices, and the best secretaries, too. With absolutely no expectation of campaign donations in return. No, Sir!


As soon as Big Pharma has a good lead on how to cure left-wing tendencies, then this government will be piling in with billions of dollars for clinical trials, factories, marketing campaigns, and animal testing, and whatever. Yes, Siree!


And maybe then we can talk again about vaccines for Covid and measles and Ebola and stuff.'


‘Let down’ supermarket scraps discount for emergency services staff

A well-known supermarket, that we are not naming (but it begins with the letter A) is rolling back its discount for public sector workers in the police, fire and health services.


A spokesman for the well-known supermarket (whose name also ends with the letter A) said, ‘We introduced the discount to recognise the amazing contribution of nurses, doctors and other health workers to the whole Covid thing.   We wanted to give something back, and we reckon we’ve done that.   So we are ending the discount to invest in low prices for everyone.  Not all heroes buy grapes.


‘We are withdrawing the scheme because it has run its course. The government has raised public sector wages, so nurses and police officers and firefighters can afford to pay full whack for their fruit and veg now. And it's been ages since Covid was a thing.  So.  That’s it, really.’


Industry insiders have pointed out that the well-known supermarket (which is run by a private equity firm that knows very little about retailing) may have other issues.


One insider said, ‘The well-known supermarket (which has its logo written in green) has raised concerns that the police don’t do enough on shoplifting. And one of its stores burned down last year, with firefighters arriving so late that they just brought marshmallows. And there is a story about a uniformed nurse who refused to look at a cut finger in one store because she’d just worked a 48-hour shift, or some other feeble excuse.


‘So there is a possibility that the well-known supermarket was just looking for an excuse to hike profits, jack up executive bonuses and screw the shoppers. So, business as usual, really.’




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