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Zahawi tells Cabinet ‘It’s your time you’re wasting’

Writer: stewartbarclay
stewartbarclay
Oct 14


With all the authority of a substitute teacher, Nadhim Zahawi is attempting to reduce cabinet absenteeism, denying their chants that they 'don't need no educayshun or thought control'.


A departmental spokesperson said: ‘Uber wealthy cabinet ministers miss out most, as they have too many foreign holidays and/or steamy affairs. There are numerous cabinet absences due to Covid too. Not when they have Covid or are self-isolating, but because of the sheer volume of dubious government contracts to sort out. All that sweet state moolah, plus struggling by on £80k/year doesn’t organise itself you know.’


Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have responded to Zahawi's remarks by getting off his holiday lilo, getting out his trusty catapult and firing paper balls at the back of Zahawi's head. Johnson will also discreetly put a whoopee cushion on Zahawi's chair before carving 'Zahawi is a speccy square' into a desk.


image pixabay/6689062


First published 14 Oct 2021


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Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science'

Writer: Oshaughnessy
Oshaughnessy
Oct 9


The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.


Johnson and Hancock's valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’


A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s 'doing the exact opposite' research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:

- The 'delay in taking any action whatsoever' strategy

- The 'not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy - The 'Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group' strategy - The 'let's go for herd immunity' strategy - The 'don’t bother with facemasks' strategy - The 'we’re not listening to the WHO' strategy - The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it' strategy - The 'abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown' strategy - The 'let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead' strategy


The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn't have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.


‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject', said the spokseperson. 'However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’



First published 9 Oct 2021


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UK wonders if it's suffering from mass hallucination

Writer: Raggers
Raggers
Sep 10


Across the UK, many are having difficulty believing that what’s currently happening is real.


There’s a worldwide pandemic that we still haven’t seen the last of. There’s a war in Ukraine, which Putin started just to show how macho he is and prove he can’t possibly be gay, he just likes having photos taken with his top off. And to prove how sane he is, he’s also literally ‘gas-lighting’ Europe, by turning the gas off and on, probably cackling maniacally as he does so.


This year, an unprepared and un-air-conditioned UK has sweated through two 40˚C heatwaves, forcing us to realise that climate change isn’t something that only happens in David Attenborough documentaries.


We’ve endured ultimate omnishambles Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, consoling ourselves that surely, he was just a nightmare which couldn’t last. Then we woke up to the unbelievable reality of Liz Truss as PM, a woman whose brain has less power than a Poundland battery. Her one saving grace is that she can at least dress herself properly and use a hairbrush, unlike her predecessor who lumbered through his premiership looking like a roll of old loft insulation that had fallen out of a skip and been p*ssed on by foxes.


And now the Queen is dead. You don’t have to be a royalist to feel a sense of unreality and shock that she’s gone. Although most of us never met her, she was a constant presence throughout our lives. We saw her face every day on money and postage stamps. She was part of every Christmas, like the turkey dinner and family arguments. Now we have King Charles III as our monarch - a man who talks to plants, sells overpriced biscuits and thinks there is such a thing as 'left-over wine', which can be used to fuel a car. From now on, he’ll stutter and mumble on our TV screens every Christmas Day, and his face will be on the money – although with his ears and nose it’s hard to see how they’ll get it to fit, whichever way he faces.


As winter approaches, rocketing inflation means many will be unable to eat regularly or heat their homes, and even those who can afford to keep the lights on will be unable to because of power cuts. As we huddle together over a candle, surviving on food bank handouts, we must tell ourselves that surely this is just a fever dream, and we’ll wake up soon. Everything will be alright. This is Britain, after all.




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First published 10 Sep 2022


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