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Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised



Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does.


A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mums (or ‘maters’) at a formal luncheon, not long after they reach the age of 8. On the same day, they receive a tub of Brylcreem and a firm handshake from their father, before being sent to boarding school for a daily thrashing.


Johnson later confided to advisors he agreed to the interview to meet MILFs.




First published 3 Jun 2022


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Johnson to change deadly sins system to five



The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".


Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."


With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.




First published 30 May 2022


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Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox




A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.


'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'


'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.


'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'




First published 27 May 2022


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