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Nadine by-election to produce two MPs to cover her workload




A sobbing Prime Minister has announced that the Mid Bedfordshire by election will produce two seats ‘so that Nadine’s exceptional work can continue’.


‘Stop all the clocks’, he told reporters. ‘Cut off the telephone. Basically, that poem from Four Weddings and a Funeral. We’ve looked at Nadine’s extraordinary output in recent years and there’s no way that one MP could cover it’.


Nadine Dorries’ nickname was“110%“, a reference to her tireless parliamentary work, her relentless pursuit of constituency matters, her laser-focus on the detail of every brief she was given and her legendary sobriety.


Dorries was loved – worshipped, even – by parliamentarians from all sides. ‘She was one of us’, a Labour spokesman said. ‘Working class through and through’. ‘Gawd bless ‘er’ said a random Cockney we found in a pub. ‘I’ll never forget her gagging on kangaroo penis when she should have been in Westminster. What a gal’.


Tributes continue to pour in for the sober, intelligent, hard-working MP who took 11 weeks to clear her desk, so determined was she to leave behind a strong legacy and to benefit from changes to departure payments. We may never see her like again. Nadine, Queen of the Commons, we salute you.



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First published 29 Aug 2023


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Mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus solved



Scientists now understand how a tiny creature from long ago evolved to doing away with an anus.


Professor Magnus Trout from the Isle of Wight Institute of Natural Sciences explains:-


“During the course of the development of life on Earth, nature tries all types of combinations – including those that end up in evolutionary dead ends – if you’ll pardon the pun. So for every creature such as this, there will be other mutations that will continue if they are successful.


We know, for example, that there is a creature that is diametrically opposite to this one. It is all anus – ‘Totalus Arseholeus’. It can be found in all areas of the Conservative Party but particularly prime examples can be found in government. It specialises in excreting over anyone and everyone.


This creature is a distinct risk to the survival of the human race, with priority given to private sector shareholder profits, as opposed to realistically tackling global warming.


There is a faint hope for the future of the rest of mankind. The withdrawal of its usual nourishment – corrupt Covid contracts and Russian oligarch donations – may mean that it eventually becomes extinct



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First published 22 Aug 2022


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