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'Pick a policy, any policy'




BoJo has made approximately 148 new policy announcements, one of each of the Tory MPs who think he's unfit for office. An early draft of the so-called 'benefits-to-bricks' scheme would have seen benefit claimants paid directly in bricks and then invited to build their own house.

Labour spokeswoman Jodie Johnstone said 'House prices are spiralling upwards and the Tories have made sure that benefits are spiralling downwards. You'd need to be in an Escher painting to make that work.'


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'If you throw enough shit at the wall, some of it can be used to stick together the bricks you were given. Anyway it's not as though lending vast quantities of money to people who can't afford to pay it back has ever ended in a global financial meltdown before."



First published 14 Jun 2022


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Johnson spin doctors to take control over booing




The recent events that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has attended have included a cappella 'boos' from the crowd. In an attempt to connect with the 'ordinary person' the Prime Minister and his spin doctors have decided that the 'boos' are now an integral part of his persona. Consequently he has decided to bring 'trustees' along to all personal appearances and have them 'boo' if no-one else bothers.


'I have a lot of experience of 'bring your own boos' parties, said the Prime Minister today.



First published 13 Jun 2022


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Drawing a line under things and moving on



PM Boris Johnson – proof that you can achieve anything if you’re rich, white and male enough – has inspired others to draw lines under things and move on.


Shelley Stevenson told partner Youssef Younis ‘Sorry babes, I’ve been shagging your brother, now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ A heartbroken Younis choked back tears as he replied ‘Well, in fairness I have gambled away our savings, car and house. Now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst noted ‘Boris has been drawing a line under things and moving on – jobs, wives, children, responsibilities – his whole life. The important thing to realise is that there are no consequences for him. Shelley and Youssef on the other hand are fucked.’


image from pixabay



First published 11 Jun 2022


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