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Government passes emergency law to prevent poor people inhaling calories off the top of cake



The government has acted swiftly and decisively on the number one priority facing Brits, by whipping the cream out of Tory MPs to pass emergency cake laws.


A government spokes-smirker announced almost solemnly, 'What we absolutely have to ensure is that poor people are not receiving free luxuriant aromas above their station. Even more than this, we simply can't have paupers inhaling calories they haven't paid for. Should a cake be so unfortunate as to find itself in the vicinity of a mendicant, it must be protected from having its heavenly ambience experienced.


'That is why this government has moved instantly to protect the rights of cakes and the owners of cakes. Any person of meagre means finding themselves able to smell cake, must immediately make their way to a place where only excrement can be smelt. Failure to do so will result in a £20,000 on-the-spot fine, even if they are wholly within their usual place of residence.


'And anyone suspected of inadvertently inhaling calories off the top of cake, must immediately return those calories, or have their nostrils expelled to Rwanda.


'Enquiries from the bothersome have sought to ascertain who we classify as poor people. It is clearly defined as all those not preferred for the government procurement VIP lane. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Circle of Thrust.'


First published 22 May 2022



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Brave footballer comes out as intelligent



A 21-year-old soccer player has revealed that he is highly academic, becoming the only openly brainy male professional footballer in Britain. Millwall forward Daniel Jakes said that he has received ‘top backing from the lads … err … I mean universal support from my peers’ after telling them about his intellect.


Jakes is the first professional player in British men's football to come out publicly as clever since Graeme Le Saux who was once thought to be quite bright on account of admitting to reading the sports pages of the Guardian. In an interview, Jakes said he felt ready to ‘express myself eloquently’ after ‘such a long time of pretending to be thick’.


The striker said he originally felt the need to hide his academic ability in order to become a professional footballer. ‘I knew from a very early age that I was different to the other lads,’ he explained. ‘But I worked hard on constraining my vocabulary to words of one or two syllables so as not to stand out.’


After signing professional forms and subsequently breaking through into the first team, Jakes thought that he would wait until he was retired to come out. ‘But the stress of pretending not to be interested in quantum cosmology became over-bearing and I therefore decided to admit to the world that I am not as dim as I make out.’


The world of professional football has become a more inclusive and welcoming space over recent years, especially with regard to such aspects as race and nationality. And yet there remains a subculture that persists which means male footballers are expected to be stupid, especially in ‘Over the moon, the boys done good’ post-match interviews.


Perhaps that will change as a result of Daniel Jakes’ admission that he is academically gifted, and he has been encouraged by all the messages of support from players, staff and supporters from all around the world. ‘I am overwhelmed at the expressions of acceptance of me as an openly intelligent footballer,’ said Daniel. ‘Even Millwall supporters, not exactly known for their tolerance, have said that I have their undying love, but not in a gay way.’


The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has also expressed his admiration for Jakes’ courage after sensing an opportunity to pretend to have the slightest interest in football.



First published 18 May 2022


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Lord Lebedev identified as third man in flowerpot ring



The Cambridge spy ring, the flowerpot men, has long been considered to have had a third unknown spymaster who had pulled their otherwise obvious strings.


As spy detectives from MI5 have said, 'we knew the flowerpot men were undercover Russian spies all along, with their plummy accents speaking secret code on primetime BBC pretending to be two characters with an affinity for pot and talking rubbish. Obviously this indicated they were aiming at infiltrating the Conservative Party, probably aiming to get the top job. We used GCHQ to analyse their August 20th 1965 broadcast and the supercomputers came up with the following string of words that are clearly codes for the Russians: "flob a dob, flob a dov, lord lebedev, flob a dob, weeeeeeeeeeeeeed". At the time it didn't make sense, but once the Prime Minister fast tracked Lebedev into the House of Lords it became pretty clear. We've got a right dickhead in charge. And Lebedev's the third flowerpot man.'



First published 16 May 2022



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