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The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first on the scene' where CPR is needed.


Following similar logic, the government is planning to use the test questions to further its agenda in other areas too.


A spokesman said, 'Drivers may not be getting enough exercise, so it's reasonable to add questions about the effects of too much sitting down and not enough active travel. If they didn't get properly brainwashed about this at school, then the theory test gives us a second go.


'Drivers in France may be approached by people trying to get into Britain illegally, so that's another area that we can cover.


'And motorists need to understand that their car tax and fuel duty and road tolls are needed to pay the interest on government debt. It's not there to pay for roads or anything like that. And the national curriculum doesn't even start on tax. So we need to cover that too.


'In future the test may also feature questions about the law on freedom of speech, how to give money to political parties legally, and the offside rule.'


Photo by Bas Peperzak on Unsplash

Sean Collins, 27, and on a night out in Swansea, was showing no vital signs. Plain-clothed paramedics were quickly on the scene and resuscitated the lifeless Collins with an Aussie kiss. 'I reject the term plain-clothed,' confirmed head paramedic Angela Williams. 'We are always fabulously clothed. Actually, it is essential that we maintain high visibility at all times.


'As every professional paramedic is highly trained in and understands, an Aussie kiss is like a normal kiss, but down under. Emergency felatio forms a core part of our training and it's an essential tool in our particular set of skills. 'Every paramedic team operates in a male/female buddy system and we are able to bring back to life anyone, regardless of gender, sexual preference or religious belief. A-sexual atheists we just slap until they bleed back to consciousness.


Fortunately, a nearby DJ happened to be playing Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees, which helped with timing and rhythm. 'I came round when I came round,' said Collins. 'This amazing woman saved my dull life, and I will never be able to thank her enough. Hopefully, the gratitude in my eyes was enough to let her know how much what she did meant to me.'


Statistics show that there has been a huge growth in young females faking their own unconsciousness in order to experience life-saving cunnilingus.




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