Following a washout test match in which the TMS commentators used every description of rain known to mankind, the ICC has proposed that future test matches are either played somewhere sensible, or that both teams provide their best groundsmen, who will compete against each other in keeping the pitch and outfield dry.
The cricketers themselves would entertain the spectators by performing rain dances or displays of piety, depending on which team of groundsmen were mopping up, and the match will be decided on how many overs might have been bowled between making the pitch usable and the next torrential downpour.
TMS commentators, who traditionally have been ex-cricketers, would be replaced by ex-groundstaff who will comment on the various techniques the opposing groundsmen employ and how much more difficult it was keeping pitches dry in their day, without the assistance of protective clothing.
Image: FPG Photos | FreeImages
First published 24 Jul 2024
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Met Office weatherpersons are confident that, despite the current sunshine, rain will follow soon. It’s obvious, said a spokesperson. It’s nearly Wimbledon and cricket starts soon. It stands to reason that it’s going to rain.’
Records going back 140 years show that it always rains on Wimbledon, and it always rains on cricket. Statisticians see a strong correlation between heavy rain and England’s international cricket matches at home.  And there is a similar correlation between heavy rain and the seeding of England’s tennis players at Wimbledon. The higher the seeding, the more likely the rain.
The forecasters are not confident about rain for the one-day international match against Zimbabwe, but they reckon that rain during the matches against the Windies is a dead cert.
For Wimbledon fortnight, they point out that, despite some recent setbacks, Jack Draper is on passable form and fairly likely to make it to the second week of Wimbledon. This increases the chance of bad weather a lot.
A spokesman said, ‘the weather always likes to spring surprises. Our analysis shows that rain is more likely when English players are on the outside courts. As soon as they get onto a court with a roof, then rain becomes much less likely. Although everyone should expect to suffer from a significant depression centred on Wimbledon towards the end of the second week.’