Christmas Cracker Jokes 2: The Leftovers

Christmas is the season of excess, and not knowing where to stop. Which is where we got the idea for another round of Christmas cracker jokes.

Here are the almost-indigestible leftovers that we have re-heated for you...

Q. What is Donald Trump's favourite element?

A. MAGAnesium

Q. What is moles favourite game at primary school?

A. Grounders

Q. Why did the England cricket team send a snowman in to bat against Australia?

A. They thought he'd last longer than one of the regular team

Q. What do you call a crash involving a truck load of terrapins in Northumberland?

A. Turtle distastah (got to do the accent)

Q. Where do you send an addicted lumberjack?

A. Treehab

Q. Which fish knows nothing about transport?

A. The Grayling

Q. What do you call a shy fish?

A. Koi

Q. Which fish had a Christmas number one?

A. Kylie Minnow

Q. What's crisp and sweet and swings through the jungle?

A. A meringue-utan

Q. What's Hugh Jackman's favourite Christmas film?

A. The Greatest Snowman

Q. What's Birmingham's favourite panto?

A. Jack and the binstrike

Q. What paper are dunce's caps made from?

A. Foolscap

Q. Can you name the five Louvre jewel thieves?

A. Rob, Joules, Nick, Jems and Rich.

Q. What is Santa's favourite weather?

A. Rain, dear.

Q. What's Angela Rayner's favourite Christmas film?

A. Home Aloan 2

With contributions from billclay and writinginbsl

Image credit: perchance.org

How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?

After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team.

Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals.

Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying that there should have been more acclimatisation of the players to the impotence of a gallon of Fosters. However, it has been pointed out that they didn’t waste too much time playing cricket before the First Test, so they should have been adequately prepared.

The investigation will look at the tactics employed by the Aussies, including the possibility that they over-pitchered their deliveries. However, it is considered that the England players should have been able to handle any volume of the watery amber liquid.

The report that Freddie Flintoff is to join the squad has not been confirmed.

Image: runextreme - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Australia counts the cost of social media ban

Aussie kids under 16 aren't allowed on social media any more. And Australia is suffering the consequences.

'There is more graffiti, says Sydney Duff, of Melbourne City Council. 'And more antisocial behaviour . Kids pestering koalas, and roos, and drop bears, that sort of thing. Mel Duff, no relation, of Sydney City Council, agreed. 'Littering is up, chewing gum on sidewalks is up, and four penguins are missing from Taronga Zoo.'

The city police commissioner could also see the negative impact of the ban. 'Call outs to misdemeanours are up by 112% - and that's only 24 hours after the ban took effect. It's ringing doorbells and running away, moving wheelie bins so the garbos can't empty them, dingo doo-doo through letterboxes, stuff like that. It's low level bad behaviour, but it's still annoying. It's un-Australian.'

'Shoplifting is on the up as well. Without their phones and screens, kids are amusing themselves by stealing Tim Tams, Vegemite, and packs of Lamingtons.

'We reckon the court system for juvies will clog up, and that up to 60% of under 16s could end up with a criminal record. But we do have a plan for that. Either they sign up for juvie Cricket school, or it's transportation back to England. That'll learn them.'

Image credit: stablediffusion.com