Johnson spawns again, Attenborough makes new series

Sir David Attenborough is to make a documentary series about the mating habits of Boris Johnson, after Britain's horniest ex PM spawned yet another descendent.

Attenborough's trademark vocal stylings will illuminate some of the most sexually graphic and disturbing scenes ever to be shown on British TV.

Johnson is heard grunting and squealing before shouting "Huzzah!". He is then seen smoking a post coital and frequently extra marital cigarette, before hurriedly escaping out of a window to avoid an irate husband and any suggestion of child support. He stops only briefly, smelling the air for cash-filled brown envelopes, before being wildly overpaid for an after dinner speech. Johnson then scans the horizon to find yet another eyelash fluttering generic Tory blonde.

To Attenborough's audible disgust, the cycle begins again.

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Brave Brits fighting back against do-gooders

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards.

Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d put David Attenborough on.'

Barry isn’t alone. Well, obviously he is, but he isn’t the only rebel. Pete Housman (43) from Rotherham told us 'These do-gooders make me want to puke. They go on about fracking but the yanks have it and they pay about twenty pee a gallon. It isn’t as if Britain has its own supply of petrol. What? The North Sea? Isn’t that in France or something?'

Darren Wimborne (44) from Bristol is still angry about the Covid lockdowns. 'We’ve become a fascist state where an Englishman can’t go about his lawful business,' he told reporters. 'If I want an avoidable death I’ll bloody have one. It’s in the Magna Carta.'

Rebels have threatened to dress up as superheroes and burn effigies of Eddie Izzard unless the Black Lives Matter movement renames itself Every Life Matters. Other protest activities include folding their arms in the pub, adopting a smug expression, making jokes about "feeble" vegans and retweeting whatever Piers Morgan just said.

In what may be their master stroke, Bill Gates is unable to track them because they haven’t been vaccinated, so he’s having to waste his time curing malaria and other woke nonsense instead. That’ll teach him.

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photo: https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

Sir David Attenborough has loud piercing laugh 'like cat full of marbles'

Sir David Attenborough has a loud, piercing laugh, 'like a cat full of marbles rolling down a hill', sources close to the renowned naturalist and broadcaster said today. It is believed that Mr. Attenborough uses this laugh to protect his territory and attract mates.

The tactic has hitherto remained secret because the television star disguises it in broadcasts through a combination of judicious whispering and being very serious all the time. The desperate attempts not to laugh have taken their toll however, as apparently Mr. Attenborough finds giant tortoises and monkeys especially hilarious. Colleagues have mentioned recently how he would quietly discuss Bonobo status tactics on camera before collapsing in breathless shrieks that would terrify birds for miles around.

The natural world does not often see the arrival of broadcasters with peculiar laughs. A Jimmy Carr might be spotted scrabbling for tax returns, or maybe a Ricky Gervais trying for a fourth series. And yet ... even here ... an Attenborough may occasionally let one rip that has the sound recordist running for cover.

Image: Pixabay/spoiu23