Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer's ‘essay’

Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man's struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is - 'They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem'.

Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.

His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron's manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title 'Starmer: My life in the House of Lords'.

Brexit becomes sentient, now destroying Islington

In a shock development in the on-going political rancour over Britain’s departure from the European Union, Brexit itself has now gained consciousness and has begun rampaging through areas that voted Remain, destroying branches of Pret-a Manger, Benneton and Caffe Nero.

Previously a mere political concept concerning the United Kingdom’s exit from the EU, Brexit this weekend morphed into a living breathing monster, intent on destroying anything that irritates it, which seems to include anything vaguely ‘un-British’, inclusive or slightly modern. A row of LGBTQ+ flags were ripped to pieces in London’s Old Compton Street, as Brexit went on to smash up any prominent no-smoking signs, some gender neutral toilets and a Remembrance Day exhibition about non-white people who had fought in the war.

Brexit has taken the form of a giant British bulldog, and was last seen terrorising members of the liberal elite, driving them from their homes, digging up landscaped gardens and overturning expensive German cars. Large parts of Hampstead, Islington and Clapham were reported to be in ruins, with angry residents saying ‘It was a bit much’ and ‘not on at all.’ One alarmed Remainer tried to take refuge in her garden yurt, normally used for hosting pilates and yoga workshops, but Brexit ripped the entire structure to shreds, and then urinated on her aromatherapy herb garden.

Attempts to pacify the monster by throwing it large pieces of gammon have come to nothing, and now it is said to be heading to Westminster, where fears are that the Brexit monster might destroy the British government and economy, as ministers abandon their posts and investors flee the country.

David Cameron was said to be oblivious to the monster’s existence, and was still cheerfully posting selfies from his rustic garden shed.