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Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer's ‘essay’

Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man's struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is - 'They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem'.

Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.

His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron's manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title 'Starmer: My life in the House of Lords'.

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