Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed. 

Sources close to the PM say the large brown trout dumped by the former PM is proving extremely hard to flush away, even with the assistance of a wire coat hanger and a large bucket of cold water, and is causing chaos in Number 10.  

The news is a further blow to Sir Keir, coming just a day after the ex-PM and Labour leader published a near 6,000 word essay on 'what is Labour doing wrong, why I remain the best leader ever, and why my tech bro mates should be allowed to take over the world' on the fiercely independent Tony Blair Institute for Global Change website. 

'This steaming turd has the potential to derail the PM, for sure', said one Starmer loyalist - though it wasn't clear if he meant the actual turd or Tony Blair. 'Keir's bowel movements are as regular as his pronouncements about how real change has already taken place since he was elected PM. Tony's er . . . intervention . . . is therefore extremely unhelpful, as well as being rather smelly'.

Both Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham have promised to remove the stench if elected, although Blair has suggested that neither of them has the skills required to shift the huge cable that he has laid and that they are all just going through the motions. 

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I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Downing Street mouser Larry the Cat has put his paw down over who occupies Number 10, saying that if Keir goes, he goes too.

"There've been almost as many Prime Ministers through this door recently as I've got lives," muttered Larry, sitting on the front step, discontentedly licking his rear end.

"Boris was the worst to mouse for. He and Charles Moore would just hurl them through the gates at the plebs passing by on Whitehall.

"'Go on, you vermin!' they'd bray. "Have some vermin for your dinner!'

"Liz Truss would swallow my mice whole, dozens at a time, like oysters. No class, that woman... and certifiably insane.

"Rishi would douse his with cumin, turmeric, chilli powder and fenugreek. Yikes! I ate some of the scraps and I was in the cat litter for one week solid.

"But Keir's my sort. For two years he's eaten my mice plain as God intended, every night, with boiled rice and vanilla ice cream for afters.

"God knows what the next PM's going to be like," mewed Larry with a shudder.

At press time, socialist firebrand and possible leadership contender Angela Rayner was parading outside Number Ten with a placard reading: "No mogs! No Starmers!"

Image from Gemini Google

Hat tip to Lucifer

Mission Accomplished for Starmer, says Burnham

Andy Burnham says that Keir Starmer can leave Number 10 with his head held high.  ‘It is mission accomplished for Keir,’ said Andy in his trademark Mancunian accent.

‘Keir had one job to do, and he did it brilliantly.  His task was to get Labour elected in 2024, and he achieved that with a massive landslide victory.  Great job, Keir.

‘It is not Keir’s fault that he was saddled with an awkward, right of centre Labour manifesto.  That was the price that we all paid to win the election.  So there is no dishonour in failing to deliver the manifesto.  Indeed, not delivering it is probably a good thing.  It’s good of Keir to have taken it so seriously, really.

‘Keir never backed the right people. For example, Streeting?  Mandelson?  Arsenal?

‘Having achieved his mission, it is obviously time for Keir to go.  I’d like to thank him for his service to the country and to the Labour Party.  He maintained the highest standards throughout.  All of his U-turns were very principled U-turns.  That beer and curry was never a breach of Covid rules, and any politician is entitled to free suits and specs.  And I’m sure that Keir would have said no if anyone had tried to bung him five million quid.  As I’m saying that, it does sound an unlikely thing to happen.

‘I will always remember Keir because of the following great joke. What’s the difference between Keir and a broken washing machine? The answer – no difference, neither is going to do anything useful, both are too wet, and neither has any effective spin.

Image from Grok

‘Which is why we’re having a whip round to get Keir a broken washing machine as a leaving present.’