Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'

Starmer denies muddle & confusion

The Prime Minister has stated that, following the completion of his latest cabinet re-shuffle, things are now completely sorted out and totally organised within the government.

'Let me be absolutely clear about this' announced Sir Keir 'I have now completed my duck re-arrangement, and all that remains is for me to finish getting my deck-chairs in a row.' 

image from pixabay

Starmer recalls all former Conservative MPs

'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.

Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out.  Pronto.  They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.

'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts.  Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.

One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman.  'Did you not hear the bit about the cane?  We're talking Tories here,' he said.