Mission Accomplished for Starmer, says Burnham

Andy Burnham says that Keir Starmer can leave Number 10 with his head held high.  ‘It is mission accomplished for Keir,’ said Andy in his trademark Mancunian accent.

‘Keir had one job to do, and he did it brilliantly.  His task was to get Labour elected in 2024, and he achieved that with a massive landslide victory.  Great job, Keir.

‘It is not Keir’s fault that he was saddled with an awkward, right of centre Labour manifesto.  That was the price that we all paid to win the election.  So there is no dishonour in failing to deliver the manifesto.  Indeed, not delivering it is probably a good thing.  It’s good of Keir to have taken it so seriously, really.

‘Keir never backed the right people. For example, Streeting?  Mandelson?  Arsenal?

‘Having achieved his mission, it is obviously time for Keir to go.  I’d like to thank him for his service to the country and to the Labour Party.  He maintained the highest standards throughout.  All of his U-turns were very principled U-turns.  That beer and curry was never a breach of Covid rules, and any politician is entitled to free suits and specs.  And I’m sure that Keir would have said no if anyone had tried to bung him five million quid.  As I’m saying that, it does sound an unlikely thing to happen.

‘I will always remember Keir because of the following great joke. What’s the difference between Keir and a broken washing machine? The answer – no difference, neither is going to do anything useful, both are too wet, and neither has any effective spin.

Image from Grok

‘Which is why we’re having a whip round to get Keir a broken washing machine as a leaving present.’