Starmer to nationalize Steal

Ignoring the plight of British Steel, the PM has concluded that it is more profitable to focus on Brits Stealing. The plan is to bring grand larceny and embezzlement under government control, as opposed to what we have right now, which is the crooks running the Labour Party.

Forthwith all acts of theft will be given a Royal Seal of Approval, much like the British Empire. Under the Ministry for Backhanders, the new sector will stick to what we do best, keeping our fingers in the till. Rather than his Ministerial red suitcase, the Secretary of State will carry a bag marked Swag.

Some fear that the City of London will become populated by scoundrels - while others are concerned that we will not notice the difference.

Image: Pixabay/openclipart-vectors

Predictable local government election results

As the local government elections approach, the outcome of which which had been considered uncertain, has now suddenly become much more predictable.

With Labour currently almost as unpopular as the Tories were before the last general election, no-one was going to vote for them or the Tories, and no-one knew how the re-allocated votes were likely to be re-distributed among the rag-bag of various 'also-ran' parties,

These include Scots Gnats, Reform, New Reform, Real Reform, the Original Reform, Continuity Reform, Reformed Reform, Reform II, the Return of Reform (that's a separate party for each of their current MPs), the Democratic Liberal (or whatever they're called nowadays) party, the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Mildly Deranged Loony Party, the More Moderately-Sized Loony Party, the Green Party, the Light Green Party, the Dark Green Party, the British Racing Green Party, the Pink Party, the Spotted Party, the Striped Party and the British National We're-Not-Fascists, We-Just-Hate-Everyone party.

However, things are much clearer now, following the recent establishment of two new parties, which are likely to sweep up most of the votes.  These are the None-of-the-Above Party, and the We're-not-the-Tories-and-neither-are-we-the-Labour-Party-Either Party.  The only remaining uncertainty is which of these will massacre the other.

https://pixabay.com/photos/polling-station-poll-election-day-2643466/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Liz Kendall shoots guide dog

Having decided to go pure evil, the Work and Pensions Secretary said anyone avoiding work would be taken to the woods and shot. When questioned as to whether this was ethical she snapped a pair of crutches over her knee and stamped on a hearing aid - while someone was still wearing it.

Her approach would be carrot and stick. The stick is forcing thousands of disabled citizens into abject poverty. While the carrot would simply be rammed up their arse.

Saving £5bn in benefits would also help fund the sudden big increase in burial pits and wheelchair disposal. Disabled Groups said they were concerned that this could pressure the vulnerable into assisted suicide, her aide remarked 'We bloody well hope so.'