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Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.


'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.


Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.


'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.


When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.


'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.


Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.


Image: WixAI



MPs are insisting that the time and a half payment for Saturday work, they found written on this week’s pay packet is derisory; and unless it’s made up to double time, they won’t turn up on Saturdays again for the foreseeable future, even if Russia invades.


A now, non-existent, transgender spokesbeing for the MPs' union told Newsbiscuit “This is a complete mockery of what our members expected from the Labour Party; and the Tory faction of our membership in particular, feel completely betrayed in allowing them to take over government,”


image from pixabay

Ignoring the plight of British Steel, the PM has concluded that it is more profitable to focus on Brits Stealing. The plan is to bring grand larceny and embezzlement under government control, as opposed to what we have right now, which is the crooks running the Labour Party.



Forthwith all acts of theft will be given a Royal Seal of Approval, much like the British Empire. Under the Ministry for Backhanders, the new sector will stick to what we do best, keeping our fingers in the till. Rather than his Ministerial red suitcase, the Secretary of State will carry a bag marked Swag.



Some fear that the City of London will become populated by scoundrels - while others are concerned that we will not notice the difference.


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