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'We'd just watched Time Team to take our minds of the Lecky bill and the cost of the weekly shop when I had a lightbulb moment. I realised that we needed to dig deep into the back of the larder, that box on top of the high fridge, my husband's car boot and the chest freezer in the garage.


'I thought we might find a few forgotten food items to save us a bit, but we found loads of stuff. And some of it was still in date. We were minted to find so many cans of peas, from when Damian would only eat green things. We found three Christmas puddings we'd bought in the January sales and forgotten about. We found a box of Twinkies we'd brought back from America to from the days when we could afford a holiday. They're well past their date but I reckon that they are so full of preservatives and E numbers that they'll be fine. The car boot turned out to full of beer and crisps. No-one could explain that one. Hoarding, perhaps?


'The back of the larder was a goldmine. Buckwheat noodle from my gluten free phase. Pasta made from pea flour, which we thought would be green, but wasn't. Ten kilogrammes of granola from that stupid trip to Costco, cos Agnes could get me in as a guest. And lots more.


'Anyway, we totted it all up and we reckon that the savings will cover almost three gallons of diesel, so we are very happy. I've started a podcast called Larder Archaeology to help spread the word. Only three listeners so far, but it's early days. And I'm on Insta with the handle @larderdah. And we're having pea pasta for tea.'


image from pixabay



Fears are growing for the wellbeing of the Covid-19 virus after it confirmed it has been infected by attention-seeking former actor Laurence Fox.


Covid has not been vaccinated against irritatingly smug self-promoters and is currently attempting to treat itself with unproven remedies, leading to real concerns about its future welfare.


"The best way to avoid being infected by a massively annoying bellend desperate for attention is to steer clear of things like social media and Question Time. Unfortunately, as covid spread through more and more of the population, the chances of it being exposed to Mr Fox increased." said Stephen Thompson, Professor of Virology at Oxford University.


"At this stage it is too early to say how the virus will cope with being infected by Laurence. We are hopeful though that it has developed a level of natural immunity from other morons it has already encountered, such as flat earthers and other anti-vaxxers."


One major fear is that covid's exposure to the former Lewis star could cause it to mutate to another new variant. One that will spout ridiculous bullshit on any platform in an increasingly pathetic attempt to remain relevant.




First published 2 Feb 2022


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Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.




First published 30 Jan 2022


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