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Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff


"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him.


"Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker.


"He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours.


"Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning straight after Mandelson had fixed him with a hypnotic gaze and started to sing: 'Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes and trust in me.'"


Lord Peter 'Kaa' Mandelson is 72 years old in snake years.


image by Grok

Starmer fires Lord Vader, but finds it difficult to remove his title


Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing.


The prime Minister made the following statement: 'We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be honest; as it turns out he was building a gargantuan space station armed with a planet destroying laser. We should have seen the signs, and we failed to act, and for that we are truly sorry.'


He continued, 'Being a lifetime appointed Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader can still use that title even after being severely spoken to and tutted at. He was appointed because he had excellent experience in dealing with certain types of people, and was able to manipulate and control weak-minded…..oooohh, I see the issue now.'


There had been many complaints of Lord Vader frightening people with his sorcerer's ways, and he was known to be difficult to work with. It was public knowledge of his association with the evil empire, and there were even compromising photographs of Vader in his pants holding a clipboard. Victims of the Empire’s atrocities were particularly livid about his appointment, especially survivors of the destroyed planet of Alderaan.


Keir finished with, 'As you must be aware, removing a title is very complicated, and the whole process is quite cumbersome. There are all sorts of legal hurdles from the old days and there is the risk of having a lightsabre remove your head, so there is that to consider. We sent HR to touch base with Vader, but he force choked them and threw them against a wall.'



Image credit: perchance.org




Exhausted Boris Johnson plans short holiday in his office


An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years.


Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette.


A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling schedule of food-fights, arse-photocopying and emergency danceathons that he has been subjected too as part of his Covid response work over the last two years.


"A few days relaxing and reading the papers in his private Downing Street office will help the Prime Minister recharge his batteries so that he can get back to the important job of putting on a pair of fake plastic tits and squirting cream all over them while shouting, "look at me boys, I'm Doris Johnson".


The source indicated that Mr. Johnson will also be taking up swimming, but what in, they didn't want to say.




First published 27 Jan 2022


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