Labour celebrates bringing total w**ker back to Britain

"We've achieved the sum of sweet f*ck-all since we came into office," admitted a spokes-hieroglyph for the Labour government.

"But we have used the little that remains of Britain's diplomatic heft to ensure the return of a total w*nker called Abd al Fattah.

"This is a person who the Egyptians had kept locked up as a public service, who tweets hate speech against Jews and democracy.

"Strangely, the Prime Minister was actually proud to have secured his release.

"That's presumably because al Fattah will be living in Smethwick when he returns - or somewhere similar, a long way away from Downing Street.

"It's sort of sad," mused the spokes-scarab, "that the only power we have left in the world is persuading the Egyptians to hand over a total wanker they would have been only too pleased to part with."

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Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry

The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference.

'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation.  We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we might even look at your copies too, and we'll identify who is most likely to be compromised,' he added.  'We can complete that part of the enquiry by six pm, if that helps,' he noted.

Senior current and former British politicians including Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have welcomed the enquiry and urged the government to hand over the job to Russia.  'We know the Russians well,' said spokespeople for both politicians.  'Very well, indeed.'

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Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.

"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.

"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.

"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.

"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"

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