Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.

"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.

"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.

"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.

"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"

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Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

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US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove

'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'.  The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'.  The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'.

'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area.  The internal decor is considered a tad garish, but easily rectified,' he added.

'I was considering putting in a low-ball offer,' said a Wigan-based property developer, 'but I've heard some very negative reviews about Washington DC from none other than the US President,' he said today.

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