Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’

Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.

Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.

First published 6 May 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'

David Cameron announces interest in England Manager role

In a surprise attempt to return to public office for a third time, David Cameron has announced his interest in the vacant post of England Manager.

Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton has released a statement in which he says, ‘Look, I am very keen on the role of England Manager. There are people who say I know bugger all about football, but I have plenty of experience in sudden and disappointing exits from Europe.

'It might come as a surprise, but I've always enjoyed the game, even while I was Foreign Secretary. I'd occasionally pop out of a boring NATO meeting, pull on a pair of Converse pumps that Sam had picked out for me, and do a couple of uppy keepies.  

'And I know how popular the game is to the British people, especially outside the Cotswolds. Visiting tradespeople always speak highly of it.  I tell anyone whether they are a proud Tottenham Villa fan or West Harlequins that I’ve had experience dealing with difficult left-wingers over the years, although it’s the right-wingers in my own team who are the real bastards.

Look, I know the players will be looking forward to me scrumming down with them. There are some who have apparently taken a keen interest in the alleged incident involving a part of my anatomy and a pig’s head and I say to them, fine, I would be delighted to perform it again at Wayne Lineker’s bar in Ibiza.'

Picture credit: Wix AI