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Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin



'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.


'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.


'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.


'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.


'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'



Image credit: ChatGPT

Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’


Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.



Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.


First published 6 May 2022



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David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders




The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.


Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.


'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.


Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'


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