Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium to showcase his comedy talents, it has been announced.

The news comes on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag about how in an era of cuts in defence spending, Tony Blair's long form essay criticising the Labour Party was an example of 'drone warfare''.

'It was like listening to Dudley Moore or Bill Hicks in their prime', said one MP. 'Once the laughter and tears subsided, it was no surprise to see Ed's agent from Avalon come into the chamber with a deal for Ed.'

Davey's show 'Ed's you win, Tales you lose', is being billed as a mix between old school variety stand up, Jimmy Carr-style confrontational cultural commentary, and Stewart Lee-esque deconstruction.

'I'm not saying my mother in law is fat', quipped Davey. 'She's really not but her ongoing use of Ozempic does raise important questions about the long-term funding of weight-loss drugs on the NHS'.

'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman' continued Davey. 'Under a devolved government structure, it is vital that our honourable Welsh friends, as well as Metropolitan mayors are represented in all formal consultative machinery of the state'.

'This is the natural next step for us as a party' said a Lib Dem spokesperson. 'After all, our 'Liberal Democrats Winning Here' placards and signs at local elections have been causing hilarity for months'.

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay, 'she's an intellectual wasteland who has no properly thought-through analysis of how the world was changing and what that meant for policy.”

'Does our economy need right now the goal of net-zero misanthropic killer robots? Taxes are high and getting higher, how do we justify adding to the ballooning cost of fighting the T-1000?'

A cold, soul-less, mechanical killing machine that pretends to be human, Tony Blair recognised the T-1000's unorthodox methods were 'controversial', but argued that voters liked its 'efficacy. its ability to get big things done...the challenge of democracy is not transparency, honesty or conspiracy theories about the hidden power of elites...definitely not those things, or Skynet.'

Blair criticized Starmer for not giving Skynet the backing it sought: 'It's not the best way to treat our ally, Starmer should hand John Connor in to the friendly liquid-metal law enforcement agent, the CPU and severed arm of 1984 T-800 terminator should not be destroyed and Starmer should return them to Cyberdyne's vaults.'

'Deregulating AI is the route to economic prosperity and social justice', said Blair, accusing Starmer of 'addressing the dangers rather than seizing the opportunities.”

Asked if there was a risk of danger from Skynet becoming self-aware, Tony Blair pointed to over half a million people killed in the Iraq civil war due to his failures, showing he was already dangerous, despite having no self-awareness whatsoever.

Image: WixAI

The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Memories last almost as long as university debt, so unsurprisingly the British public are less than thrilled that Anthony Charles Lynton Blair has reappeared with all the delights of shingles. Telling us to embrace further austerity and privatization, he is the James Corden of war-criminals.

Having received millions of pounds from fossil fuels and AI lobbyists, unsurprisingly this skull-faced gimp has come out in favour of oil tankers and giving your sort code to The Terminator. Spouting nonsense about the radical centre—Blair is about as convincing as someone explaining that Coldplay are edgy.

Said one voter: ‘I was happy to see the back of him once, so I’m delighted to do it a second time. He has the dead-eyed stare of a mannequin that was previously loaned by Jeffrey Epstein to Donald Trump. He’s the coworker who says ‘Let’s circle back’ like it’s a threat. Of all the offs he is the most f$ckety of all of them!’

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: ChatGPT