Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery

Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'

We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.

The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'

Image: Couleur - Pixabay

First published 12 June 2024

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Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.

'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'

It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.

In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:

'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

H/T: stewartbarclay

First published 19 Dec 2023

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Assisted Dying Bill 'a sly way to get rid of House of Lords'

Westminster insiders have suggested that the Assisted Dying Bill, which the House of Commons just voted in favour of, is in fact a sly way to get rid of the House of Lords.

'There's a provision that the subject must be no more than 6 months from dying - well, that should cover about 90% of them,' said the spokesman today. 'And of course, they have to be ill - but dementia would count, surely?

'Also a High Court judge has to sign off on it. But as long as we pick one who isn't in the Lords himself, I'm sure he'll be glad to get rid of a few rivals.'

Of course, to become law the bill will also have to pass the Lords, which might cause some problems.

'We'll have to hope they don't realise it's directed at them. Or just make sure it's not debated the same day as hunting, shooting or fishing, so hardly any of them turn up.'

Image: Yaopey Yong (@yaopey) | Unsplash Photo Community