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Hollywood to adopt American accent for baddies


For decades, a German accent was the hallmark of a Hollywood villain. More recently posh British has been the go-to elocution for criminal masterminds, with incompetently delivered ‘Middle Eastern’ accents for terrorists.


Now there’s a new accent in town. Dumb-as-shit American, slightly muffled through a mask.


‘In many ways they’re a throwback to Westerns’, a film expert told us. That’s a job, apparently. ‘The dark clothing, face partially concealed – what’s missing is a good guy in a white stetson’.


Indeed.


While Hollywood grapples with storylines where good and evil have the same accent, the real world is dealing with a bigger concern: are we about to see Schindler’s List 2?



New Hollywood film - Epstein’s List

Hollywood today greenlit a new film entitled Epstein’s List.


The film tells the story of a great humanitarian (surely disgusting paedophile?) whose list of names determines whose career will survive and whose will perish.


Insiders talk of a highly moving scene where the names are read out, leading to frenzied claims of “It’s some other guy with the same name”, “I didn’t even know he had an island” and “In all that makeup, she looked at least 16”, followed by a flurry of super-injunctions.


One particularly harrowing scene takes place in a shower, with the young actress concerned saying she may never get over seeing Harvey Weinstein naked.


There are suggestions that Donald Trump also features in the film, and that unlike his cameo in Home Alone 2, this is one film he genuinely didn’t want to be in.


It’s thought that if the film’s a success, the studio may consider a sequel to The Shawshank Redemption telling the story of Ghislaine Maxwell as an innocent woman trapped by circumstantial evidence, if they can find a way to write it that anyone would believe.


One possible alternative would be a film about Epstein’s suicide in prison, starting with the FBI planning when and how it should happen.



Californians to be evacuated to neighbouring states



Following the brilliant insight that accompanied President Trump’s 5am bowel movement on Sunday, that Middle East tensions could be solved simply by moving Gazans to neighbouring countries, he has now decided that the California wildfires can be tackled the same way.


'It’s a really dumb place to build a city, I would never have built there,” ran the President’s tweet. “No wonder it catches fire all the time, especially with lesbians running the fire department - and not the good looking ones you see in pornos. Sad.'


Under the plan, Californians will simply be moved to Oregon, Nevada and Arizona, though characteristically the governments of those states were neither consulted nor even informed of the plan until they saw it on the news.


However, Trump’s political opponents have questioned whether his aim isn’t really to clear out Hollywood, which he sees as a hotbed of liberalism and home of his natural critics. Fears were prompted by a leaked memo in which Trump, Elon Musk and Steve Bannon discuss what kind of natural disaster could be used as a pretext to demolish the studios of Saturday Night Live.

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