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Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.


The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.


He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.


The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.


The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.


A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.



Image from NewsBiscuit archive

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Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies


Seeing how Sir Keir Starmer and his fellow hitmen in Downing Street have killed off civil servants' careers while consistently saying they were following "full due process", Hollywood studios have bought the words to use in remakes of their most violent "pop-a-cap-in-his-ass" flicks.


"'Full due process' has become a death sentence for anyone in British politics who No. 10 decides to blame for the Mandelson fiasco," said a Hollywood spokes-mogul. "These words are chilling, even when a pettifogging lawyer like Starmer says them."


Here's a sneak preview of what the new films will be like:


PLP (Parliamentary Labour Party) Fiction


A gangster (Jules, played by Starmer) is on the verge of executing a terrified Sir Olly Robbins


"And I will execute great vengeance upon them with full due process; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."



Apocalypse Now (in the local elections)


A dazed Caption Marlow (played by Morgan McSweeney) has been dragged into a lunch with US generals and CIA goons


GENERAL: Find Kurtz and terminate him.


CIA GOON: Terminate with full due process.



Starmerface 


A treacherous civil servant (Sir Olly Robbins) is on his knees in front of Starmer and pleading for his life


STARMER: Manny! Ice that son of a bitch, with full due process.



"We're also thinking of making a new film about Jack the Ripper," continued the spokes-focus puller. "I bet he also went about finishing off his victims with 'full due process'."




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