Mobsters to adopt Boots ‘3 for 2’ extortion racket

Mobsters have announced a brand new extortion racket, following intensive analysis of the Boots ‘3 for 2’ Christmas promotion.

Mafia families across the globe have spent the last few months in the aisles of Boots stores across the UK observing what they are now describing as one of the most lucrative and perfectly constructed means of extracting money that they have ever seen.

‘The basic grift goes like this’, explained Micky Fingers from the Miami-based Cabrini family. ‘You convince the customer to buy one thing which is massively overpriced and then bundle it up with another thing of even less value.’

‘Then you offer them a third thing of negative value - like a Ted Baker bottle opener or some garish socks with ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ written on them - and ba-da-bing - you’re printing money.’

‘They must have intimidating enforcers on the doors at Boots’, continued Cabrini. ‘How else could you explain why someone would pay £15 for 3 small ‘beers of the world’ that you could get in Tesco for a fiver?’

‘When we saw the miniature Nando’s hot sauce with a little oil drizzler bottle packaged up for £20, it took our breath away’ continued Cabrini. ‘In terms of pure extortion, it’s a thing of beauty.’

Mobsters still have some work to do before they can rollout the scheme, as they are struggling to work out the complex extortion ratios that result when the 3 for 2 offers are discounted by 66% on Boxing Day.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/

Fukushima fish deal a boost for HAZMAT kitchenwear industry

Photo: HAZMAT kitchenwear modelled by Janine and her friend also called Janine

Boris Johnson's relaxation of the ban on fish and vegetables from Fukushima has been welcomed by a major manufacturer of radiation protection equipment, saying it was worth every penny the company donated to the Tory party.

In addition, the relaxation is timely as it coincides with a range of unisex high-fashion HAZMAT garments and lead kitchen aprons designed by Emma Bridgewater due to be launched at London Fashion Week in June.

British cooker manufacturers are also excited by the prospect, hoping it will boost sales and thereby bring down the cost of their range of biohazard cooking products, previous sales of which have only been affordable by oligarchs who dine on genuine Russian food supplied by Putin Enterprises Inc.

The cookers, reminiscent of chemical fume cupboards, offer the benefit of preventing cooking smells from permeating the home. Olga Smirnoff, an oligarch's wife told us that her biohazard cooker has been brilliant, even when her husband fancies a curry. 'I've asked if it can be adapted to accommodate a bed for him to sleep in on the days he has one,' she confirmed.

NewsBiscuit invited two chefs to try Fukushima fish and both agreed it was 'rank', but still preferable to what they are forced to cook with when providing meals for the schools and hospitals they work for.

Ready Brek is preparing a legal contest on the sale of Fukushima fish, in the event it actually makes children glow and contravenes the intellectual property inherent in its advertising.

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