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Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

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A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.


'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'


Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'


Angry father calls in Neighbourhood Watch to protect kitchen

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An enraged father, Don, who has had quite enough unauthorised 'foreign muck' being ordered by his family for tea, has insisted that the local Neighbourhood Watch help defend his kitchen.


"There's a tide of it. Every night you get Olivia or Imogen on the text to these blokes with sneaky electric bikes. Next thing, under cover, they're delivering Indian, Chinese, Thai ... bloody Thai! ..., Greek food to our perfect English kitchen.


"These two daughters are just letting the flood of immigrant stuff pour in. Without them there'd be no demand for it. We don't need it and we don't want it. And it's a major cost to this household - it's all being charged to my card. My lovely English wife is more than capable of feeding us all with proper food, bought locally at the nearest Lidl.


"If I can get a few of the Neighbourhood Watch lads - or battalion, as we call ourselves - to intercept these ebike pirates at the proud border of the kitchen, or back door, we can just turf them out on their ears.


When asked if this local-only policy would extend to other rooms, Don replied, "What? With all the World Cup qualifiers coming up on my 69" TV in the living room? I need somewhere to drink my Stella, don't I?"



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