The Tooth Fairy has been receiving payments into an offshore account from Dent International, a global conglomerate of arms dealers, property speculators and dentists.
Undeniable evidence shows that Ms Fairy encourages innocent children to lose their teeth, which creates work for "big dentistry".
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has said he is "shocked" by the revelations. A Downing Street spokeswoman read from an under-prepared statement: 'We all give our children a token £5,000 when they lose a baby tooth. To discover that a supernatural finds it in her imaginary heart to take bribes from dentists leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.'