Mahmood deports Paddington

The Home Secretary made it clear she had zero tolerance for illegal immigrants- particularly the furry variety that $hit in woods. In a TV outburt Shabana Mahmood, accused Paddington of being a bear of military age, determined to come over here and rape our marmalade.

Her aide said. 'I don't care how he got here, small boat or the pen of Michael Bond - that little work-shy Peruvian ba$tard is getting the boot.' This follows the UK adopting Denmark's strident anti-immigration laws, which saw the Little Mermaid pickled and sold as a rollmop.

Initially housed with the Brown family, until Tommy Robinson fired bombed their house, Paddington has been living rough. Mahmood said Paddington's suitcase and hat would be confiscated to cover the cost of his deportation. 'Someone had put a note on him saying 'Please look after this bear' - well f%ck you, Aunt Lucy, you trafficking scum.'

Photo by Alex Stone on Unsplash

Mahmood: 'obviously we will deport the Brown ones first'

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Trump to Deport Mount Rushmore Heads

In another surprise initiative from an increasingly erratic administration, American President Donald Trump has announced that the four gigantic presidential heads chiselled into Mount Rushmore will be deported to Guantanamo Bay. 'It has come to the attention of Emp – er – President Trump that two of the four heads depict undocumented immigrants, the third is very ugly, and the fourth looks like he's wearing glasses, a sure sign of genetic inferiority,' said an administration spokesman.

According to knowledgeable insiders, the administration initially planned to replace all four deportees with Donald Trump heads. A late push by Elon Musk to reserve at least one spot for himself has generated internal tension, these sources claim. JD Vance would also like a place, though his request has been greeted largely with mockery. 'We see JD more as a dashboard ornament,' said one of the insiders.

If the move is carried out, it would be the largest sea transfer of human cranial representations since the shipment of Jose Mourinho to Fenerbahçe in Turkey last year. 'The Mourinho project was an immense engineering feat,' said Alfred Newman, Professor of Nautical Difficulties at the University of Portsmouth. 'A specialized cargo vessel was needed to accommodate his cranial immensity,' Newman explained.

The facilities at Guantanamo Bay are too small to store the heads indefinitely, but their ultimate destination remains uncertain. The administration has offered 'any nation in the world' $10 million worth of $Trump memecoins in exchange for accepting the heads, but the offer has 'inexplicably generated little interest,' according to the Trump spokesman. 'We may just have to invade someplace,' admitted one of the administration insiders. 'Greenland is pretty big, maybe we can just dump the damn things there.'

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay