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Fashion designers confess: it’s mostly just insulation




The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness.


‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’


NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that other one.


Pablo (not his real name) is a fashion designer. He is wearing outlandish glasses and some kind of poncho. He only agreed to be interviewed on condition that we disguised his voice. After several attempts to explain that NewsBiscuit doesn’t have audio we gave up and promised to do it, so please pretend that this is being voiced by an actor.


‘I grew up believing in fashion the way other children believed in Father Christmas. All I ever wanted to do was make fabulous clothes for beautiful people. Looking back I can see that my Dad was disappointed – he wanted me to play for Aston Villa and drink pints.


‘Fashion school was a form of indoctrination. Insulation wasn’t even mentioned. We were terrified of missing a trend – I used to set my alarm for 4am so I could check out Japanese fashion websites and get a head start on the day. My best friend at college killed herself after a disastrous fling with moire silk. We all said it was for the best’.


If fashion disappears completely, nerds and fashionistas will be on more of a level playing field. Companies will have to do more in-depth interviews to filter out whichever type they don't want (usually nerds, unless the company actually produces something) and we might find more nerds successfully breeding. Whether that’s a positive remains to be seen.



Image from Pixabay by Pexels:


Joy as Britain's last barn is converted



‘Britain has finally joined the 21st century,’ announced James Trotman, managing director of Fox Trotman Country Living, at a special ceremony to mark the conversion of the last barn in the UK. ‘For too long, these buildings have been eyesores; now they are stylish rural retreats that are sustaining the British economy through dark times by stimulating local housing markets.’


The barn was one of ten that formerly blighted the landscape in the small Norfolk village of Shotesham. It is believed to have been used to house grain for reasons which are not yet clear and the smells coming from it were described by local homeowners as ‘a jolly nuisance’.


The other nine are now all occupied by the families’ senior doctors at the local hospital but this one had been overlooked until quite recently, when Fox Trotman responded to an anonymous tip-off. Consultant ophthalmologist David Bradley, his wife Victoria and their two children will move in next week.


‘It’s marvellous news for us and the local community,’ commented Victoria Bradley. ‘For the best part of a year, we were all crowded into a six-bed in Dereham, but now we have enough space for us, the 4-by-4, the Morgan and the children, when they are home from boarding school. If they could only put some nice pavements in around the village to finish it off, that would be just perfect.’




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