Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world

'After capturing Venezuela's chief narco-terrierist and indicting him in the States,' said an increasingly deranged Donald Trump, stroking a Russian Putin cat at his desk in the Oval Office, 'I'm serving notice on the rest of the world's terrier groups that I'll be coming after them, as well.

'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.

'And I'm hearing all the time now about Maltese terrierists, so we better do a regime change in Maltesa - as soon as my generals can find that on a map.

'And the CIA is still looking for a place called Pitbull. It sounds familiar.

'What I really want is for there to some terrier groups in Greenland, because I'd sure like an excuse to invade that place.

'That's why I'm ordering the American Kennel Club to breed up some genuine Greeland terrierists immediately.

'Sleepy Joe knew all about these foreign terrier groups, but he never went after them,' the president continued to rant.

'But that's because he wasn't barking.'

Image: Lydia Tan (@purplelydia) | Unsplash Photo Community

Who's a good boy then? Yes you are

'Cats are over-represented in British adverts' claims Daily Mail

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British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.

'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.

'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.

A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.