Rees-Mogg confident on finding yeti "soon"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced that he is mounting an expedition to photograph and, ideally, to capture the legendary yeti or abominable snowman.

"I decided to start easy.", explained Mr Rees-Mogg, "I'm popping off to the Himalayas tomorrow with my support team and I'm very confident that Nanny will easily spot an ape one third of a perch in height - she found Mr Teddy when he was lost."

"Obviously, I will be liaising with the Foreign Secretary. Mr Raab has informed me that the Himalayas are somewhere near Ceylon, so I will be catching an early carriage tomorrow as for certain logistical reasons, travelling through the small island of Europe has become rather problematic recently."

When asked how this expedition would affect his new job finding Brexit benefits, Mr Rees-Mogg paused, then said "I'm also planning a trip to Loch Ness."

Yeti Mountains Snow - Free photo on Pixabay

Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab

The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.

Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.

They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.

Wizard Of Oz Poster Tin Man - Free photo on Pixabay

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Government to re-train prisoners as politicians to raise standards in public office.

Justice Secretary Dominic Raab has today announced a new initiative to re-train prisoners as politicians to address a shortfall in standards, integrity and all-round competence in Parliament.

Hot on the heels of the government's scheme to simultaneously 'save Christmas' and win plaudits for BREXIT by training getaway drivers as hauliers and thieves as shelf-stackers, the new initiative is intended to improve the standing of the Cabinet and woo voters back to the Tories.

Raab said, 'It has become apparent that we could be sourcing professionally-qualified thieves and liars, instead of relying on amateurs. Also we could have perhaps got away with the Track and Trace daylight robbery if we had more experienced individuals covering the fiduciary misconduct aspects.' A senior civil servant admitted, 'We conducted an internal review and realised that standards in public office might actually be improved by replacing or augmenting some key individuals with convicted criminals. We are currently screening inmates at Broadmoor for potential roles as Home Secretary and Health Secretary. Meanwhile, Zippo's Circus has offered us a candidate for Prime Minister.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bookbabe-551008/

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