On some dates in/around/near Downing Street some people may or may not have met in gatherings greater than guidance may or may not have suggested/mandated and who may or may not have been working/drinking/singing.
The Civil Service thanks all for being forthright and will publish the remaining parts that may or may not be subject to police actions promptly on or before February 1, 2054
signed (redacted)
pp Sue Gray
There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.
There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.
BLUE SKIES CARE HOME, UXBRIDGE 2052 – Exhorting his bewildered carers that if they would only wait a little longer for the findings of Sue Gray’s inquiry into misbehaviour in the highest levels of government everything would be fine, ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson pled for leniency from the British public yesterday, thirty years after he was forcibly removed from office over revelations of partying in Downing Street during lockdown.
The elderly former leader of the Conservative Party had just finished a meal in the common room, and was being helped into the lounge for an afternoon of quiz shows when he made the outburst, despite the probe by the senior civil servant having led to his political downfall decades before.
“Trust me, plebs, if you give Sue a bit more time, she’ll have the results any day now,” blustered Johnson to the nurse bringing him his daily pills. “Till then, and I’m afraid I’m boring you here, it’s best if we remain patient for her official report.”
Behaving like nothing happened and he wasn’t implicated in an enormous scandal for breaching public health laws which cost him his job and his marriage, the erstwhile-PM implored fellow residents to hang on in there.
“In the meantime I’ll be getting on with the crucial jobs the Great British public really cares about: napping in an armchair, playing bingo, and hoping the Health Secretary doesn’t release Covid-positive residents back into care homes again.”
Staff were reportedly unsure how to break the news to Mr Johnson that the report had emerged years ago, but at press time had decided to humour him by throwing a wine and cheese soiree in the garden and extending an invitation to Dominic Cummings.
