Camilla to be crowned with a golden novelty drinking helmet

Her Royal Shakiness, The Queen Consort, has been told not to wear that big blingy crown with the massive diamond in the middle of it for her coronation. It has been alleged that it was stolen from the back of an auto rickshaw in Delhi - authorities have issued an international arrest warrant for the culprit. The photo-fit bears a surprising resemblance to the well-known monarch, and jewel thief, Queen Victoria - very Koh-i-Noorty.

A palace spokesperson said that Queen Shakey was delighted to swop an outmoded relic of the empire for something more contemporary. When it was pointed out to her that they were talking about the crown rather than Charles she hastily changed the subject.

'She is delighted to be wearing a golden novelty drinking helmet,' the spokesperson wittered. 'Her only request is that the plastic beer straw fitted to the contraption is swapped for a more elegant and lady-like gin straw.'

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Try some of grandad's elderberry wine

Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33

Brian Belter, 33, struggled to understand Pythagoras' Theorem, let alone SOHCAHTOA in school, along with quadratic and simultaneous equations. 'I couldn't see where I'd use them,' he admitted today. 'They seemed thought out, fair enough, but pretty useless to a guy like me bent on a career working in Wetherspoons,' said the bartender, now in his sixteenth year working for the pub chain.

'I'm a manager now, hiring and firing, sorting out orders, checking the till receipts, fudging the bouncer paperwork, but I didn't need anything other than the arithmetic I learned in junior school,' he added. 'The rest,' he added, 'is bollocks, frankly.'

Then he had a customer ask for a pitcher of Harvey Wallbanger with the straw being covered for 23cm exactly when delivered. 'It was a City crowd, pin striped suits, clearly on a dare from his well-heeled friends. I wasn't going to pander to them so I measured the height of the cocktail, the distance of the straw from the base and applied the equations Mr Grimshaw hammered into me to work out the hypotenuse. A few re-calcs sorted out the errors and I got the angle dead right. What a waste of time,' he added.

'Just after they ordered that silly round one of my bartenders came to me with another problem, from some drinkers suffering from the financial issues. He said, 'if they have two pints and five halves for £15.23 or four pints and three halves at £18.33, how much is a pint of beer?

'I told them to f*ck off, obviously.'