Try some of grandad's elderberry wine

Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33

Brian Belter, 33, struggled to understand Pythagoras' Theorem, let alone SOHCAHTOA in school, along with quadratic and simultaneous equations. 'I couldn't see where I'd use them,' he admitted today. 'They seemed thought out, fair enough, but pretty useless to a guy like me bent on a career working in Wetherspoons,' said the bartender, now in his sixteenth year working for the pub chain.

'I'm a manager now, hiring and firing, sorting out orders, checking the till receipts, fudging the bouncer paperwork, but I didn't need anything other than the arithmetic I learned in junior school,' he added. 'The rest,' he added, 'is bollocks, frankly.'

Then he had a customer ask for a pitcher of Harvey Wallbanger with the straw being covered for 23cm exactly when delivered. 'It was a City crowd, pin striped suits, clearly on a dare from his well-heeled friends. I wasn't going to pander to them so I measured the height of the cocktail, the distance of the straw from the base and applied the equations Mr Grimshaw hammered into me to work out the hypotenuse. A few re-calcs sorted out the errors and I got the angle dead right. What a waste of time,' he added.

'Just after they ordered that silly round one of my bartenders came to me with another problem, from some drinkers suffering from the financial issues. He said, 'if they have two pints and five halves for £15.23 or four pints and three halves at £18.33, how much is a pint of beer?

'I told them to f*ck off, obviously.'

Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

Boris Johnson publishes price list for describing what the UK is not	Only at Amazon	Tories accused of dithering over Boris