£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes.

'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a saving.'

Jacob Rees-Mogg, fresh from his triumph of Britain being able to buy non-existent vacuum cleaners, echoed Professor Jenkins.

'I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter; I have.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 29 Jun 2022

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Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash

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