Economy | NewsBiscuit

Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium

Sep 26

Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'

'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.

'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.

'Are you here about the economy?'

'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.

Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.

'Does she want it to go up? Down?'

'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.

'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.

'Of course. They’re an item now'.

'What about interest rates?'

'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.

'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'

Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.

And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.

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First published 26 Sep 2022

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Forest fires boosted Hampshire economy by £12m

deskpilot

Aug 20

Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy.

'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit is around £12m. That's impressive, as businesses had little time to source commemorative t-shirts or packs of Original Hand Made Hampshire Forest Fire Fudge.'

'Of course, we're not suggesting that we should repeat the fires any time soon. It's difficult to market wildfires as a tourist attraction without seeming ghoulish. Having said that, £12m is a significant boost to local businesses, and times are hard...

Image credit: perchance.org

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest

deskpilot

Jul 24

The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.

Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’

A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:

• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change

Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’

Image: winjohn Photos | FreeImages