Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33

Brian Belter, 33, struggled to understand Pythagoras' Theorem, let alone SOHCAHTOA in school, along with quadratic and simultaneous equations. 'I couldn't see where I'd use them,' he admitted today. 'They seemed thought out, fair enough, but pretty useless to a guy like me bent on a career working in Wetherspoons,' said the bartender, now in his sixteenth year working for the pub chain.

'I'm a manager now, hiring and firing, sorting out orders, checking the till receipts, fudging the bouncer paperwork, but I didn't need anything other than the arithmetic I learned in junior school,' he added. 'The rest,' he added, 'is bollocks, frankly.'

Then he had a customer ask for a pitcher of Harvey Wallbanger with the straw being covered for 23cm exactly when delivered. 'It was a City crowd, pin striped suits, clearly on a dare from his well-heeled friends. I wasn't going to pander to them so I measured the height of the cocktail, the distance of the straw from the base and applied the equations Mr Grimshaw hammered into me to work out the hypotenuse. A few re-calcs sorted out the errors and I got the angle dead right. What a waste of time,' he added.

'Just after they ordered that silly round one of my bartenders came to me with another problem, from some drinkers suffering from the financial issues. He said, 'if they have two pints and five halves for £15.23 or four pints and three halves at £18.33, how much is a pint of beer?

'I told them to f*ck off, obviously.'

Zahawi tells Cabinet ‘It’s your time you’re wasting’

With all the authority of a substitute teacher, Nadhim Zahawi is attempting to reduce cabinet absenteeism, denying their chants that they 'don't need no educayshun or thought control'.

A departmental spokesperson said: ‘Uber wealthy cabinet ministers miss out most, as they have too many foreign holidays and/or steamy affairs. There are numerous cabinet absences due to Covid too. Not when they have Covid or are self-isolating, but because of the sheer volume of dubious government contracts to sort out. All that sweet state moolah, plus struggling by on £80k/year doesn’t organise itself you know.’

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have responded to Zahawi's remarks by getting off his holiday lilo, getting out his trusty catapult and firing paper balls at the back of Zahawi's head. Johnson will also discreetly put a whoopee cushion on Zahawi's chair before carving 'Zahawi is a speccy square' into a desk.

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Williamson insists 'rumpy pumpy' must be in Latin

The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.

An Education spokesman explained: 'It's vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it'.

The three 'R's' will be replaced with their Latin equivalents - Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: 'Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means 'premature ejaculation'.'