Berwick-on-Tweed plagued by booze cruises

There is more trouble ahead for Berwick-on-Tweed as the Scottish government has again raised the minimum price of alcohol.

As prices in Scotland rise, there are more and more trips across the border to England to pick up booze on the cheap. While the minimum price for a bottle of wine in Scotland is now £6.09, you can pick up a bottle of Three Peasants Artisanal British Wine for a modest £1.99 – and get a free pack of aspirin thrown in for free.

Shop rents in Berwick are rising as more and more off licences are opening – the town now has an offie for every 42 residents. One of the outlets is a drive through – you can order by phone and pick up your plonk in less than 30 minutes. Local people also complain that local favourites like Newkie Brown are being crowded out by shelf after shelf of Buckfast Fortified Wine and 90 Shilling Bitter.

Every Friday evening there is a long line of vans, coaches and pick up trucks on the A1, heading south into Berwick to pick up supplies for the weekend. And on Saturday and Sunday mornings the local A&E is full of Scots who couldn’t wait to get home before getting stuck in.

The local council is planning to ask Westminster for powers to levy its own alcohol tax. A spokesman said 'We don’t want to stop the Scots from coming south. We just want to persuade them to drive to Newcastle for their cheap drink instead.'

The chief executive of Three Peasants has asked us to clarify that 'artisanal' is one word and not two. The fact that his first name is Arti is, he says, just a coincidence.

Image: Stefan - Photography (pexels.com)

England cricket selectors ditch humans for pack of cross-breed dogs

"We first had the idea on Day One of the test match at Edgbaston," slurred England's chairman of selectors.

"The selectors' panel were drinking Pimms in the pavilion all afternoon long, and whenever one of the human stumblebums spilled a simple catch, or got out playing a moronically poor pull shot to a rising ball on leg stump, one of us would shout: 'A dog could do better than that!'

"That evening, over the sixth round of lagers in some awful curry house near the Bullring, we all thought: 'well, what about it?'

"So today, we're abolishing the Marylebone Cricket Club as unfit for purpose and replacing it with the Muttleybone Cricket Club.

"The collection of village idiots and ditch sleepers we used to have in the national team will be replaced with a pack of cockapoos, pomskis, labradoodles and lurchers randomly chosen from the Battersea Dogs Home.

"They'll field a hell of a lot better than the human squad ever did, and not drop dollies in the slips. We'll be placing the speediest of them at deep mid whippet and long dog leg.

"Using Pavlovian methods, we'll train them to play the most basic defensive and attacking strokes, as taught in the MCC Coaching Manual for Cricketing Toddlers - skills which have consistently eluded England's human XI, however many choc drops we've fed them.

"We'll be throwing in a couple of goldfish for good measure, because while every human got out at Edgbaston in exactly the same way as he did the week before at Lords - swatting airily at a bouncer and getting caught in the deep - the goldfish may be better at remembering their previous mistakes."

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England lose 3 wickets overnight as "No one was standing next to them"

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