Comédie Sans Frontiers

In an effort to rebuild relationships with the EU; and to appeal to gammons stuck in the 1970s, Lisa Nandy, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport is to tell the BBC to organise a multi-national game show similar to It’s a Knockout Jeux Sans Frontières, but with comedians competing against each other to tell jokes about Brexit.

Predictably, Nigel Farage is opposed to the idea as he doesn’t want voters remembering his involvement in the brainless scheme he spent his entire political life campaigning for, and is the reason why we no longer have fresh food in the shops and have to queue for hours at borders when taking holidays.

Lisa Nandy though, thinks he should embrace it, as although Brexit was 8 years ago it’s easy for Farage’s place in British history to be forgotten unless the world is frequently reminded what a loudmouth moron he is.

The architects of Brexit would all feature in the competition, by being held in stocks, while the audience show their appreciation at the jokes by throwing rotten fruit at them.

https://pixabay.com/photos/comedian-face-performance-comic-2125295/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.

European Commission to introduce trappings of democracy

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.

'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'

A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.

'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’

'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'

The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.

'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'

Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)