RMT to "cynically" boost Eurovision viewing figures

After a government minister accused the RMT of cynicism, the Union has admitted that calling strike action for the same day as the Eurovision Song Contest is only about enabling rail workers to stay at home and watch the contest on TV.

"Railway staff love Eurovision" said Union spokesperson Sally Arbuthnot, "you should see Mick Lynch when he's had a few lambrinis, dancing along to Boom Bang-a-Lang and shouting when the French give us nul points. So, it's a fair cop, the strike is just to make sure we all get to watch it instead of working."

When our reporter put it to Ms Arbuthnot that the strike was really designed to cause chaos for the crowds heading to Liverpool to watch the contest, she replied "You what? Who the hell watches Eurovision in person?"

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Casualties mount as Russia launches breakaway Eurovision

Russia has denied massing mediocre pop groups on the borders with Europe, claiming the manoeuvres are a ‘special musical operation’. Russia insists it only wants to liberate elderly Russian folk dancers who are being oppressed by their angry neighbours. Western powers believe Putin is seeking revenge after the state-sponsored group, Willy Riot, was banned from this year’s Eurovision contest.

Border guards in Poland and Estonia have reported hearing boom-bang-a-bangs and are preparing for a full-on assault on their earholes. The US and Germany have agreed to supply their allies with ear plugs and state-of-the-art anti-folk dancing systems.

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Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

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