Cthulhu sues Trump for copyright infringement

Cthulhu, the ageless entity of unspeakable evil, is suing Donald Trump in an American court for 'theft of intellectual property' and 'intentional infliction of emotional distress.' 'Destroying the global economy, laughing at Gaza’s ethnic cleansing, oppressing penguins - those were all my ideas,' Cthulhu said at an angry press conference. 'I may as well just stay at home and play video games.'

The Trump administration is not backing down. 'Cthulhu's had since before the beginning of time to destroy life on Earth, and he hasn't done jack shit,' said F@$cismRox, the administration's designated social media Troll-of-the-Week. 'Trump has unleashed bottomless dread like you've never seen before.'

Cthulhu's bitterness is understandable, says Alfred Newman, Professor of Supernatural Marketing at the University of Arkham. 'Cthulhu's been building his brand over an unfathomable span of eons,' Newman said. 'When some newbie comes along – a mere human, no less – and swipes all his good lines, it's no surprise that he feels a bit put out.'

According to a source close to Cthulhu, he believes that someone associated with Trump stole his plans for inflicting chaotic global misery. 'Steve Bannon interned with us some years ago,' the source explained. 'We think he hacked Cthulhu's account and copied all the good stuff.' Calls to Bannon's representative seeking a response went unreturned.

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US of Eh? America added to its own Axis of Evil

Donald Trump knows that everyone loves a bad boy, so the USA is going double naughty.

American intelligence analysts have therefore listed the USA itself as part of the Axis of Evil. However, all American intelligence analysts are set to be fired after Elon Musk was too high on ketamine to remember how many Nazi salutes he had given.

One analyst sighed, 'Old Musky-pants could just have joined Fathers 4 Justice instead of this. He wears a leather jacket and is in his 50s, so he definitely has the vibe.'

Given the threat America poses to everyone, including America, Trump has ordered all major American cities that voted Democrat - which is essentially all of them - to be targeted by American nukes. That’s as long as Putin gives his permission.

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Sauron Announces Retirement: Says Goals 'Mostly Achieved'

Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.

Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’

 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’

Picture credit: Wix AI