God's memo concerning the Xmas Party

Dear Heavenly Beings and Sales Team,

I hope we can avoid some of the issues we had with last year's exuberant and spirited (no pun intended) gathering. We can all agree we had one Hell of a time – and that, I think, is part of the problem. I fear, in the aftermath of all that merrymaking, we may have broken one or two commandments. Remember...

1. Thou shalt be patient: I know 40 years is a long time to wait for nibbles, but I do not appreciate Moses heckling the kitchen staff.

2. Thou shalt avoid inappropriate comments: Asking Jesus when his birthday is, is not funny. And is not funny the twentieth time.

3. Thou shalt not steal office supplies: It took a dozen knights to find the pilfered Holy Grail. And I like a joke as much as the next man, but where have you put the Holy Ghost?

4. Thou shalt maintain confidentiality: If someone confesses their sins, even after a dozen pints, that does not give you the right to scrawl it on a toilet walls. I'm looking at you, Peter.

5. Thou shalt refrain from excessive revelry: We are now out of Altar wine and have been forced to use the Sacramental Cider.

6. Thou shalt not engage in workplace relationships: I know Mary was 14, but that does not give you the right to chase the cherubs.

7. Thou shalt enjoy the Quiz: But I do not appreciate the team name – 'Quiz on God's T$ts'

8. Thou shalt wear a festive jumper: I know, it's technically Satan's invention, but let's just power through, okay?

9. Thou shalt not ruin Secret Santa. By telling everyone who St. Nick is. Please.

10. Thou shalt be dignified: Not all souls need to be ar-souls.

Thank you for your attention and cooperation.

Sincerely,

God

cc Buddha

Picture credit: Wix AI

Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Stung by criticisms of the inaccuracy of American marksmanship, the Secret Service has unveiled plans to dress Donald Trump as a schoolboy and leave him in a high school for a few days.

‘He wasn’t keen until we told him that there were girls at the school, and then he was all over the idea’, a spokesman said. ‘Shooters just seem more numerous inside schools and generally more accurate. We figure if we leak the name of the school, then we might all get lucky. Christ, we’ve been letting him walk slowly on golf courses surrounded by woodland – even that didn’t work.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man City lead Premiership on hearings

Despite being only six games into the season, Man City have opened up an impressive gap between themselves and the other cheats. Even on court cases, for and against, Man City are set to win the league...and then get relegated four divisions, for breaking fair-play rules.

Using their formation of three at the back and eight in tax havens, the team have outplayed everyone when it comes to being sketchy. Their fluid grasp of accountancy and free-flowing use of bungs, has mesmerised HMRC.

115 hearings ahead, Man City are guaranteed to get into Europe via a Swiss bank account, and then on to the Cayman Islands. The Premiership warned: 'The only penalties awarded this season will be financial.'

Picture credit: Wix AI